The Dance and Other Songfics
by luvforsawyer
Summary: My first attempt at songfics. Features various pairings, including RogerApril, RogerMark, RogerMimi and MarkMimi. Please review!
1. The Dance

**Note: **_Okay this is just going to be a series of unrelated one-shot songfics. I haven't written songfics before and thought I'd try my hand at them. Don't worry, I'm not abandoning my other stories, just wanted to get some experience at songfics. Oh and the song lyrics are in italics._

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **Mentions of drug use, suicide, and character death

**Song Featured: **The Dance (Garth Brooks)

**Disclaimer: **RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "The Dance" does not belong to me either, it belongs to its writer (sorry I don't know who that is).

**--line break--line break--**

"I got an idea," April said with a smile.

Roger couldn't do anything but grin and follow her out of the club. They'd just met, but he couldn't manage to tear himself from her. The pair made their way to her car, a beat-up blue clunker that Roger was amazed still ran. She drove for a few minutes in silence, giggling and shaking her head when he asked where they were going. The car turned off the road and screeched to a stop just before the highway. April turned the radio on full blast and jumped out of the car.

_Looking back on the memory_

_Of the dance we shared 'neath the stars above_

_For a moment, all the world was right_

_How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye?_

"April, come on. This is bullshit!"

"Just try it! For God's sake, Roger, quit acting like such a fucking saint!"

"I can't believe you!"

"I thought you wanted to be a rock star!"

_And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go…_

"You met this chick at a gig?" Maureen asked.

"Yeah and she's not just some chick. She's amazing."

"So amazing and addicted to smack."

"Sometimes you have to take a chance on people."

"Sometimes you have to walk away."

_Our lives are better left to chance_

"April! We're gonna be late!" Roger yelled, pounding on the door. There was no answer.

He pushed the door open. April lay naked in the bathtub, blood lazily dripping down from her opened wrists.

_I could've missed the pain_

_But I'd have had to miss the dance_

Roger sank to his knees, tears exploding from his heart. He crawled across the bathroom to the tub and pulled her lifeless body up into his arms, remembering the first time he'd held her.

_Holding you, I held everything_

_For a moment, wasn't I a king?_

Mark found them an hour later. Roger had let go of her. He sat beside the tub, knees drawn to his chest, rocking back and forth. Mark tried to reach out to him but Roger jerked away, pointing a shaky hand at the mirror. Red lipstick streaked across the mirror: "Baby, we got AIDS."

_But if I'd only known how the king would fall_

_Hey, who's to say, you know, I might have changed it all._

He lay on the bed, shaking still. Collins had cleaned him up. He wouldn't let anyone else touch him. Collins already had HIV. He wouldn't get Collins sick. Now Maureen sat at his side, whispering to him and wiping the tears from his cheeks.

_And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go…_

Three weeks passed. Mark took him to the clinic to get the results. They all knew the results were positive. They knew before Roger was even tested. Between the drugs and the sex, there was no way anyone was lucky enough to have not contracted it.

_Our lives are better left to chance_

Roger lay trembling on the bed. His legs kicked out and the sweat dripped from his forehead. Mark and Collins took turns sitting with him.

"It hurts, Mark. It hurts," he moaned.

"I know, Rog. It'll be okay, though."

_I could've missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance_

"Every time I think about her, every time I hear her name or see her picture…it just hurts," he said softly.

Maureen pulled him into a hug. "I know, sweetie. We all miss her. You just have to think about the good things, the good memories."

Roger jerked away. "Good memories? She ruined my life! I'm gonna die because of her!"

"Don't. Don't do that, Roger. She bought your first hit, she gave you your first hit, but you kept doing it. You kept buying and you kept shooting up and you kept fucking without condoms."

Roger fell to the couch, tears engulfing him. Maureen sat beside him and ran a hand through his hair.

"Honey, you have to think of the good things…"

"Like what?"

"Like what good memories you have of her. And she did introduce us to Mark."

_Yes, my life is better left to chance._

Roger sat by the window. It was well past midnight. The moonlight managed to trickle down through the city lights into the loft. Roger sighed. It had been a year. One year since they'd met.

_I could've missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance._


	2. Radames' Letter

**Rating: **K

**Warnings: **None

**Song Featured: **"Radames' Letter" from the musical _Aida_

**Disclaimer: **RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Radames' Letter" is the sole property of Elton John and Tim Rice.

**--line break--line break--**

Roger sped down the highway, the fight with Mark echoing in his head. He'd said the worst possible things he could think of. Mark hid in his work, true, but no more than Roger hid in his music or Collins in his philosophies.

_I'm sorry for everything I said_

He hadn't wanted to leave like that. He'd planned on a nice, quiet last dinner at the loft. One last chance to thank Mark for everything he'd done for him over the years: getting him through the withdrawals, through April's suicide…Instead, he'd yelled at him and fought with him

_And for everything I forgot to say too_

Roger knew why he'd gotten angry. Mark wanted him to stay. Mark wanted him to stay for Mimi. He should have stayed for Mimi. He should have wanted to stay for Mimi.

_When things get so complicated,_

_I stumble, at best, muddle through_

Roger didn't want to stay for Mimi. He wanted to stay for Mark. He wanted Mark to fight for him to stay. He wanted Mark to ask him to stay to be with him. Roger wasn't sure when the hell that had happened, when his platonic love for Mark shifted into something more. All Roger knew was that ever since he caught Mimi buying more smack from the Man, he wanted nothing to do with her romantically.

He'd gone back to the loft in tears. Mark was there, like always, and comforted him as he had so many times before. As Roger lay in bed that night, he'd wondered why it never dawned on him before how sweet Mark was, how caring and loving he was.

_I wish that our lives could be simple_

Mark thought he was running. Roger knew that much. Mark thought Roger was running from the grief of Angel dying, from the pain of Mimi slipping away. He missed Angel, sure, but he wasn't running from grief. He worried about Mimi as any friend would. And he wasn't looking for glory like he told Mark.

_I don't want the world, only you_

Roger gripped the steering wheel with one hand and ran his hand through his hair with the other. Why couldn't Mark see it? Why couldn't he see how much Roger loved him? Roger had never been good at talking about feelings. Mark teased him and said he was afraid of losing his macho image by talking about emotions.

_I wish I could tell you this face to face_

_But there's never the time, never the place_

_So this letter will have to do_

He'd mailed the postcards a few hours after he left the city. One to his mother, telling her he was moving to Santa Fe. The other to Mark with three words that he prayed Mark would understand.

_I love you._


	3. If I Was The One

**Rating:** PG

**Warnings:** Brief mention of drug use

**Song Featured:** "If I Was The One" from the movie Center Stage

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "If I Was The One" is the sole property of its writer(s).

He can hear them screaming at each other again.

"You have no idea what my life is like!"

"So that gives you the right to walk out again?"

"No! You being a junkie and not giving a damn about anyone but yourself gives me the right to walk out!"

He winces at the harshness of the words. He can hear her crying again as the door slams and heavy footsteps echo down the stairs.

_I see the way he treats you_

_And I feel the tears you cried_

_And it makes me sad and it makes me mad_

She comes up to see him. Her cheeks are stained with tears and streaked with mascara. She still looks beautiful to him. He opens the door and pulls her into a hug. She cries into his chest.

"Why can't he just love me?" she whispers.

He doesn't know how to answer. He just wishes there was some way to take away her pain.

_There's nothing I can do, baby_

'_Cause your lover is my best friend_

_And I guess that's where the story ends_

He bites his tongue when Roger talks to him about it.

"I know she doesn't believe it, but I do love her, Mark. I do. I just can't watch her ruin herself."

He doesn't want to believe him, doesn't want to sympathize with him. But then he sees the tears in Roger's eyes.

_So I've gotta try to keep it inside_

_You will never be, never be mine_

At night, he lies in bed and tries in vain to keep his mind from wandering to her. It's not just lust. It's not just that he wants to kiss those lips, run his hands through that hair. That's not all. He wants all of her. He wants the good and the bad. He can't help but think he's better for her than Roger. After all, he's more patient, more understanding…he wouldn't fight with her so much. He wouldn't hurt her, wouldn't walk out and leave her to cry herself to sleep.

_If I was the one who was loving you, baby_

_The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy_

_And if I was by your side, you'd never know one lonely night_

_And if it was my arms you were running to,_

_I'd give you love in these arms of mine_

_If I was the one in your life_

"Okay, if you could have one wish, what would it be?" she asks.

He lets the others answer first.

"Money," Maureen laughs.

"Recording contract," Roger says.

"Cure," Collins says.

Joanne shrugs. "Money'd be nice, but I'd probably agree with Collins. Cure."

He hopes they don't notice that he hasn't answered. She looks at him expectantly. "Well, Mark?"

_If I could have just one wish_

_I'd wish that you were mine_

_I would hold you near, kiss away those tears_

_I'd be so good to you baby_

He avoids looking at her. She's curled up in Roger's lap. Roger's hands are tangled in her hair, twirling wisps of it around his fingers. He fakes a yawn and excuses himself to bed. They say goodnight and he slips into his room.

A few hours later, he's still lying awake. He can hear them move into Roger's room. She giggles and he hushes her. He swears he can feel his heart breaking in time to the squeak of the bedsprings.

_You're the one I want next to me, but I guess that's just not meant to me_

_He's there in your life and sharing your nights_

_It'll never be, never be right_

He wakes in the morning, alone still. He hears her in the kitchen and wishes she was in the bed beside him, wishes that she'd just see how much he cares. He rolls over and buries his face into the pillows, fighting the urge to go in there. If he goes in there, he may not be able to resist the urge to scream at Roger that he doesn't deserve her. Even worse, he may not be able to stop himself from telling her how he feels.

_I wanna reach out and have you beside me, right here beside me, babe_

_Take you in my arms right there_

_Scream 'I love you' right out loud_

She comes to him again a week later, crying again. They've been fighting again. He pulls her into his arms. Maybe he should say it, maybe he should tell her. Maybe she'd see then that she deserves more than what Roger's giving her. That she could be happy with him, happier than she is with Roger. He wishes he could do that, but knows he won't. If he says it, she could laugh. She could walk out. She could disappear from his life forever. He'd rather suffer each day seeing her with Roger than not have her in his life at all.

_Someday I pray that I'll find the strength to turn to you and say_

_If I was the one who was loving you, baby.  
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.  
And if I was by your side, you'll never know one lonely night  
And if it was my arms you were running to, I'd give you love in these arms of mine.  
If I was the one in your life.  
_


	4. Santa Fe

**Rating:** R

**Warnings:** Mild language, mentions of violence, alcoholism

**Song Featured:** "Santa Fe" from the movie _Newsies_

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Santa Fe" is the sole property of its writers.

"Thanks again for dinner, Mrs. Cohen," Roger said.

"Oh, you're quite welcome, dear. You come over anytime you like."

"It was nice meeting you, Roger," Mr. Cohen said from the couch.

"Nice meeting you too, sir."

"I'll see you at school tomorrow," Mark said.

Roger nodded and waved goodbye to Cindy before slipping out into the night air.

_So that's what they call a family_

_Mother, daughter, father, son_

_Guess everything you heard about is true_

As he strolled along the darkened street, Roger wondered what it would've been like if his dad was still around. Or if his mom didn't drink. What would it be like if he had someone to answer to? Someone to wait up for him. Not as much freedom, that's for sure.

_So you ain't got any family_

_Well who says you needed one?_

_Ain't ya glad nobody's waitin' up for you?_

He let his mind wander as his feet traveled along the sidewalks through town. His dad always used to talk about Santa Fe. Maybe he'd go there one day. See all the landmarks Dad told him about.

_When I dream on my own_

_I'm alone but I ain't lonely_

Yeah, Santa Fe…He'd go there. Maybe Aunt Linda still lived there. He was pretty sure that's where Dad said she and her husband moved to. Roger knew most kids hated walking so far in the dark alone. The Cohens had even offered to drive him home. He didn't want them to see where he lived. Worse than that, he didn't want them to meet his mother.

_For a dreamer, night's the only time of day_

_When the city's finally sleeping_

_All my thoughts begin to stray_

_And I'm on a train that's bound for Santa Fe_

Santa Fe. Roger kept his mind on Santa Fe. He'd go there. Find Aunt Linda. Even if Aunt Linda wasn't there, it had to be better than here. No drunken mother. No broken down house. No dead father. Just the sunshine and the clean open air.

_And I'm free, like the wind, like I'm gonna live forever_

_It's a feeling time can never take away_

Roger strolled past the drug dealers and beggars. He pulled a couple bills from his pocket and handed them to the bum on the corner.

"Here ya go, Charlie."

"Thanks, kiddo."

Charlie was the only one he ever gave money to. Not that Roger didn't want to help the rest of them, but he had to save the bit of money he got working the grocery store.

_All I need's a few more dollars and I'm outta here to stay_

_Dreams come true, yes they do…in Santa Fe_

He hurried up the stairs to his apartment. The steps creaked under his feet, each groan echoing in the stairwell. He fished his key from his pocket and opened the door.

"Ma? I'm home."

He frowned to see her slumped on the couch, a near-empty wine bottle on the coffee table. Each day Roger returned home unsure of what to expect. Each day that he saw her like that, he wondered if she'd still be like that if Dad hadn't died.

_Where does it say you gotta live and die here?_

_Where does it say a guy can't catch a break?_

Roger tapped her arm. "Ma, how 'bout you go to bed?"

She sat upright and glared at him. "Where the hell were you?"

"I had dinner at Mark's. I told—"

He ducked to avoid her slap. Turning and slipping into his room, Roger jammed a change of clothes into his backpack. He wasn't staying here. He hated when she got this drunk. He'd call Uncle Ed from the payphone.

_Why should you only take what you're given?_

_Why should you spend your whole life livin' trapped where there ain't no future?_

Roger didn't bother telling his mother he was leaving. She was still screaming and cursing at him. He tried to dodge another slap but for once her reflexes were quicker. Roger stumbled back from her backhanding him. He shook his head as he stood up.

_Even at seventeen_

_Breakin' your back for someone else's sake_

He ducked out of the apartment and jogged to the payphone. He slipped a quarter into the slot. The phone rang twice.

"Hello?"

"Aunt Nancy?"

"Roger, honey, are you okay?" They both knew he only called at night when there was trouble.

"Mom's…she's, um, she's real upset again." Upset had become his codeword for drunk. It was easier to say it.

"Did she hurt you?"

"She just, um, she just smacked me and yelled a lot. I just…I thought maybe, um…"

"Are you at the payphone?"

It made him sick that the routine had played out enough for her to know what payphone he called from.

"Yeah."

"We're on our way, honey. You just stay put, okay?"

"Thanks."

_If the life don't seem to suit ya_

_How 'bout a change of scene?_

_Far from the lousy headlines and the deadlines in between_

Roger waited in the phone booth, pretending to still be on the phone. Easier than avoiding the dealers and the muggers. He'd found people left him alone if they thought he was on the phone with somebody.

Ten minutes later, a pair of headlights stopped beside the phone booth. Roger stepped out and gave a weak smile to see Uncle Ed in the driver's seat. Aunt Nancy was in the passenger seat. Roger opened the back door and slid in. He was a little surprised to see his cousin scrunched in the backseat.

"Hey, Maureen."

She smiled and patted his hand. "Hey, Rog. How you feeling?"

"I, um, I'm okay."

Aunt Nancy turned to face him. "Where'd she hit you? Are you okay?"

Roger pointed at his cheek. He knew they couldn't see in the darkness anything besides where he was pointing. He could feel the bruise already forming. Uncle Ed's eyes watched him in the rearview mirror.

"Thanks for coming to get me," he mumbled.

Aunt Nancy reached back and squeezed his hand. "You know you're always welcome in our house, Roger."

He tried to smile and nodded. As they drove along, he stared out the window.

_Santa Fe, are you there?_

_Do you swear you won't forget me?_

At the Johnson house, Roger let himself be steered towards the guest bedroom. They called it the guest bedroom but in all actuality, it was his room. His clothes, his books, his belongings. Roger tossed his bag on the floor. He wished this was his home. Aunt Nancy had tried to talk her sister into signing over custody years ago, but his mom wouldn't hear it.

_If I found you, would you let me come and stay?_

He'd been spending, on average, a couple nights a week at the Johnson house for the last four years. That's how long Mom had been real bad. He hated when she drank. Hated it more when she got drunk enough to hit him, which seemed to happen more often as he got older. At least now, though, he was bigger than her and could fend her off.

He still had the scar from when he was fourteen. She'd thrown a glass at the wall and then shoved Roger. The glass had cut him across the back. That was when Aunt Nancy and Uncle Ed asked for custody. That was also the first time she promised to stop drinking.

_I ain't gettin' any younger_

_And before my dyin' day_

_I want space, not just air_

He'd asked Mom about Santa Fe after Dad died. She refused to talk about it. Then, last year, he'd asked her if maybe one day they could go together to Santa Fe. She'd laughed in his face, telling him he was a lousy dreamer just like his father and that he'd never make it out of New York. Roger didn't tell her he was already saving up for it.

_Let 'em laugh in my face_

_I don't care_

_Save a place_

_I'll be there…_

Roger said goodnight to his aunt, uncle, and cousin, and lay back on the bed. He could hear them talking in the hallway. He closed his eyes, pretending to sleep.

"Mom, why can't he just live here?" Maureen asked.

"Because his mother won't sign over custody. Without custody, all it would take is one phone call and she'd have the police here taking him back in a trooper's car. It's bad enough he has to live there, I don't want to put him through that."

Maureen sighed. Roger smirked, thinking he could almost hear her rolling her eyes in that sigh.

"I know she's your sister, but this is screwed up."

"Maureen, please. I know. Just…just go to bed and we'll all talk about this in the morning."

"Okay. Night, Mom. Love you."

"Night, sweetheart. I love you."

"Night, Daddy. I love you."

"Goodnight, honey. I love you."

Roger squeezed his eyes shut tighter, trying to hold in the tears.

_So that's what they call a family_

_Ain't ya glad you ain't that way?_

He forced his mind to his dreams of Santa Fe as the hot tears spilled down his cheeks.

_Ain't you glad you got a dream called Santa Fe?_


	5. There You'll Be

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** Brief mention of drug use, mild language

**Song Featured:** "There You'll Be" from the movie _Pearl Harbor_

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "There You'll Be" is the sole property of its writer(s).

Mark watched the images flickering by, making notes of which clips to cut, which ones to save. He smiled to see the Life Café footage.

_When I look back on these times_

_And the dreams we left behind_

_I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life_

Angel and Mimi dancing on the tables. Collins and Roger tangoing down the table towards Benny and an appalled Mr. Grey.

The screen was black for an instant before a new scene opened, this one on New Year's Eve. So long ago, he thought. He watched Mimi and Roger laughing and kissing as they stumbled down the street. Roger flipped off the camera. Funny, Mark couldn't remember what he'd said. Too bad that old camera didn't have sound.

Onscreen, Maureen is laughing and kicking at the camera. Mark laughed. He'd forgotten that cat costume. No one was quite sure why she'd worn it.

_When I look back on these days,_

_I'll look and see your face_

_You were right there for me_

The next scene was on the rooftop. They'd had a picnic for Roger's birthday. Twenty-eighth, if Mark remembered correctly. He smiled as he watched Maureen making Roger reenact the Titanic 'flying' sequence on the rooftop. She'd scared the hell out of Joanne with that one. Roger was laughing, his arms securely around her waist as she stretched her arms out.

_In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky_

_In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life_

The next scenes were out of order. He made quick notes to correct it. Either organize it or edit it so it wasn't so obvious. These clips were before Mimi died. Before Collins died. Some even before Angel died.

Mark had to blink back tears when he noticed something he hadn't before. It was a short clip. Roger and Collins lying on the roof, Collins with a joint and Roger with a cigarette. In all the years since he shot it, in all the times he'd watched it, he'd never noticed the drumsticks sticking out of Collins's coat pocket.

_I'll keep a part of you with me_

_And everywhere I am, there you'll be_

The next clip was Roger shoving a flier at the camera. A local film festival. Roger smiling and pleading with the camera. Mark smiled, remembering how afraid he'd been of entering his first contest. He remembered, too, how insistent Roger had been that if Mark didn't win, then the judges were heartless bastards. Roger's insistence had given him the courage to enter.

_Well you showed me how it feels to feel the sky within my reach_

_And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me_

This was getting really out of order. Mark briefly wondered if telling Will to just put all the footage on one reel was a mistake. This was before they'd even met Angel and Mimi. Roger's withdrawals.

Mark winced at the on-screen Roger shaking and sweating, cursing at Mark, arguing with Maureen before breaking down and sobbing in her arms.

_Your love made me make it through_

_Oh I owe so much to you_

_You were right there for me_

Now jumping ahead. Mark continued scribbling in his notebook. Mimi's smile lit up the screen as she danced and twirled down the street.

_In my dreams, I'll always see you soar above the sky_

More Life Café footage. No table dancing this time, but now baby Cassie was there. Mark blinked back tears.

_In my heart, there'll always be a place for you, for all my life_

Then came the footage without Mimi. Just after she'd died. Roger looked thin and sick in the footage. Mark smiled when he realized just how much of the footage showed him with Cassie. There was plenty of footage of the baby with the rest of them, but Roger was hardly in the footage without her.

Mark wondered how Cassie was doing. The paternity test, taken solely because of Allison's insistence, showed what they all knew. Cassie was Benny's. Mimi had said that from the minute she found out she was pregnant. After her death, Benny and Allison took custody of her. Benny tried to keep visiting them, but as she grew, she remembered them less and less. Mark felt tears on his cheeks as Cassie drifted out of the footage.

_I'll keep a part of you with me_

_And everywhere I am, there you'll be_

They'd published Collins's memoirs seven years after his death. It had taken that long for them to find a publisher and then get the legal side of things worked out. Mark smiled at the footage of Maureen dancing through the loft with the first copy of _I'll Cover You_. It had been Collins's last wish and they'd finally been able to grant it.

'_Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength_

Now there was Collins bringing them groceries. God only knew when that was from. Him bringing food to the loft had become so routine, there was no way to tell. The philosopher was smiling and laughing, ruffling Roger's too-long hair.

_And I wanna thank you now for all the ways_

_You were right there for me for always_

The individual posing. Mimi in her newsboy cap and leopard print coat. Maureen laughing. Roger and his guitar. Joanne, looking serious and then breaking into a shy smile. Angel laughing and dancing around. Collins laughing. Mark laughing. Benny looking straight into the camera, almost frowning, then laughing too. We were happy, he thought. We were.

_In my dreams, I'll always see you soar above the sky_

_In my heart, there'll always be a place for you, for all my life_

Mark sighed and brushed at his tears. The final images. The ones without people. Angel's drumsticks. Collins's leather jacket. Roger's guitar. Joanne's briefcase. Maureen's protest fliers. Benny's notebook. Mimi's leopard print coat. Mark's scarf.

_I'll keep a part of you with me_

_And everywhere I am, there you'll be_

Mark sighed and jotted his last notes down. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"You okay, Dad?"

He nodded. "Fine. Just fine. This is gonna be a good one."

Will chuckled. "Dad, your standards for yourself are way too high. You've won how many awards?"

"Don't do this for awards, Will. You should know that by now."

The man nodded and patted Mark's arm. "I do, Dad. I know."

Mark nodded and closed his notebook, turning to face his son. "You make sure those kids of yours see this one?"

"Of course, Dad. They've seen everything you've ever done. Katie's even been asking when we can go to Alphabet City and declared that cows are her favorite animal."

Mark smiled.

"And Oliver, I'll have you know, nearly got himself suspended last week for calling his teacher yuppie scum."

He laughed. Will tapped his shoulder and pointed to the window. "Hey, it's beginning to snow."

_There you'll be_


	6. Shiksa Goddess

**Rating: **strong PG-13

**Warnings: **Adult language

**Note: **This piece talks about Mark wanting to date a girl unlike all the girls his mother has set him up with, the Jewish girls that he feels are all the same. Please note that any offense at any stereotypes is not intentional. The opinions expressed by Mark are not those of the author. Thank you!

**Song Featured: **"Shiksa Goddess" from the musical _The Last Five Years_

**Disclaimer: **RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Shiksa Goddess" does not belong to me either, it belongs to Jason Robert Brown.

"Ma, I'm not going," Mark said.

Roger rolled his eyes at the familiar argument. After a few seconds, he hung up.

"She try and set you up again?"

Mark nodded. "Thinks I should give Nanette another shot."

"Nanette?"

Mark nodded and tied his scarf around his neck. "I'm gonna go do some filming. You wanna come?"

Roger shook his head. "Band rehearsal in an hour."

Mark nodded again and slipped out the door. As he wandered the streets of New York, he marveled at the variety of women. None of them like the women in Scarsdale.

_I'm breaking my mother's heart_

_The longer I stand here looking at you_

_The more I hear it splinter and crack from 90 miles away_

She'd spent the last ten years, ever since Mark's bar mitzvah, trying to set him up with various "good Jewish girls." Mark had begun to realize that they were all the same. Each woman he was set up with was exactly the same: sweet, demure, intelligent, patient…boring.

_I'm breaking my mother's heart_

_The J.C.C. of Spring Valley is shaking and crumbling to the ground_

_And my grandfather's rolling, rolling in his grave_

Mark weaved in and out of the crowded streets. He made eye contact with a couple of women, each time not managing more than a blushing smile and a mumbled hello. New York City women were different. They were intriguing and mysterious and wonderfully strange.

_If you had a tattoo, that wouldn't matter_

_If you had a shaved head, that'd be cool_

_If you came from Spain or Japan or the back of a van,_

_Just as long as you're not from Hebrew school_

He'd tried to tell his mother not to set him up anymore. She wouldn't quite listen. Instead of setting him up, she'd hint and plead. She just didn't understand that he didn't want to date the same girls over and over. He wanted different. He wanted new. He wanted someone completely unique from anybody he'd met at temple.

Mark strolled through the park, wondering what it would be like when he finally did meet that girl.

_I'd say "Now I'm getting somewhere. I'm finally breaking through!"_

_I'd say "Hey, hey, Shiksa goddess, I've been waiting for someone like you!"_

He thought back on the women he'd dated over the years. All of them invariably quiet, shyer than him, which said something, and dreaming of marrying and having kids. Mark wasn't sure he wanted any of that. He certainly didn't want it now.

_I've been waiting through Danica Schwartz and Erica Weiss and the Handelman twins  
I've been waiting through Heather Greenblatt, Annie Mincus, Karen Pincus and Lisa Katz  
And Stacy Rosen, Ellen Kaplan, Julie Silver and Janie Stein  
I've had Shabbat dinners on Friday nights  
With every Shapiro in Washington Heights  
_

Mark had been sitting in the café alone for nearly half an hour when she approached him. He felt a hand on his shoulder, not a tap but a hand resting on his shoulder, and turned.

"Hi," the woman said with a smile.

Mark blushed and managed to return the smile. "H-hi."

"I'm Maureen."

She moved her hand from his shoulder and extended it. Mark stared for a second before realizing he hadn't answered her. "Oh! Sorry, um…Mark, I'm Mark."

"Nice to meet you, Mark," she said as he shook her hand. "I'm on my way out but I just saw you sitting here and wanted to come introduce myself."

"Nice to meet you too."

"Look, this might be really forward, but how about I give you my number and we go get coffee sometime?"

Mark managed a nod and smiled, trying to stay calm as she fished a pen and slip of paper from her purse and jotted down a number.

_But the minute I first met you, I could barely catch my breath  
I've been standing for days with the phone in my hand like and idiot, scared to death  
I've been wandering through the desert--I've been beaten, I've been hit  
My people have suffered for thousands of years and I don't give a shit!  
_

"Mark, it's just coffee!" Roger said, rolling his eyes.

"Roger, you did not see this woman. She's not 'just coffee.' She's drop dead gorgeous."

"So coffee means what?"

"I don't know!"

Roger laughed. "You need to calm down. Isn't this what you wanted? A girl your mom didn't set you up with?"

_If you had a pierced tongue, that wouldn't matter  
If you once were in jail or you once were a man,  
If your mother and your brother had "relations" with each other  
And your father was connected to the Gotti clan  
_

"I'm really glad that you called me," Maureen said as they strolled along the sidewalk.

Mark blushed. "Me too."

She bit her lip. "You, um, think you might wanna go out again sometime?"

"Definitely, yeah…I mean, if you want to."

Maureen nodded, smiling. "Just, um, I'm a pretty upfront person."

"I noticed," he laughed.

"Well, what you see is what you get, okay? I don't change for anybody."

Mark smiled and squeezed her hand gently. "Wouldn't want you to."

_I'd say, "Well, nobody's perfect" --It's tragic but it's true  
I'd say, "Hey! Hey! Shiksa goddess! I've been waiting for someone like..."  
_

"I just don't see why you won't go out with her again," Mrs. Cohen said.

Mark sighed. "Because to tell you the truth, Mom, I've been seeing someone."

"Oh! Well, why didn't you just say so? Who is it? Someone I know? Janie? Sarah? Erica?"

"No, Mom, you don't know her. Her name's Maureen."

"Maureen? Is she Jewish?"

"No."

Mark heard her sigh.

"Look, Ma, I've got to go. I'm running late."

After hanging up, Mark went to his notebook and began scribbling. Maureen came in from the fire escape and saw him hunched over on the sofa.

"Inspired?"

"Found my muse," he said. She smiled and he leaned over to kiss her before returning his attention to his notebook.

_You, breaking the circle-- You, taking the light  
You, you are the story I should write--I have to write!  
_

"Pookie, can I ask you something?" Maureen asked.

"Sure."

"Is there anything about me that you would change?"

"What?"

"If there was something about me that you could change, what would it be?"

Mark shook his head. "Not a damn thing."

She smiled. "Really?"

"Really."

_If you drove an R.V., that wouldn't matter  
If you like to drink blood, I think it's cute  
If you've got a powerful connection to your firearm collection  
I'd say, "Draw, beat, and shoot  
I'm your Hebrew slave, at your service, just tell me what to do"  
_

Mark lay in bed staring down at Maureen. She was sound asleep and looked absolutely beautiful. Mark stroked her hair gently. Her head was resting on his chest, one arm draped across his stomach. He smiled and, for the first time in quite a while, felt truly happy.

_I say, "Hey hey hey hey! I've been waiting for someone, _

_I've been praying for someone, _

_I think that I could be in love with someone like you!"_


	7. Please Remember

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** Character death

**Song Featured:** "Please Remember" from the movie _Coyote Ugly_

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Please Remember" is the sole property of its writers.

It happens fast. At least, it seems that way. In retrospect, they both know they're lucky he's lasted so long. Mimi lasted a month past that Christmas Eve. Collins lived three more years. Now, as they sit in the hospital room, they know that they're lucky Roger has had so long.

"How many years?" he asks.

"Since what?"

"Everything. April. Mimi. Collins."

Mark sighs. "Ten since April. Eight since Mimi. Five since Collins."

_Time, sometimes the time just slips away  
_

"You remember the café?" he asks.

Mark nods. "Life Café."

"I liked it there."

"Me too…Drove that waiter nuts with the table dancing though."

Roger manages a small laugh. "He got pissed."

_And you're left with yesterday  
Left with the memories_

Mark's staring out the window while Roger sleeps. He wants to watch Roger, take in every feature just in case he doesn't sleep again, but he knows Roger would wake from the uneasy feeling of being watched and tease him about being paranoid. Mark stares out the window instead and remembers all the times when the snow had been too heavy to leave the loft and they'd sit by the window watching the snow fall. He smiles, as he always does when he thinks of those times.

_I, I'll always think of you and smile  
And be happy for the time  
I had you with me  
_

He usually leaves the camera at the loft. Today, though, Roger has asked him to bring it. He won't explain why until Mark's sitting in the room with the camera rolling.

"I want this on film…so you can watch it again. I want you to remember me but not the me you see right now. Not the me in this hospital bed. I want you to remember all the crazy shit we used to do, all the fun we used to have…I want you to remember me buggin' the hell out of you with 'Musetta's Waltz' and me teasing you about…well, about everything…"

"Roger—"

He shakes his head. "Shut it, Mark. I wanna do this now. Before I get bad. Before I get too sick."

Mark nods and swallows, waiting for Roger to continue.

_Though we go our seperate ways  
I won't forget so don't forget the memories we made  
_

"Get me the papers in the pocket of my coat."

It's been two days since they made the video and neither has spoken about it. Mark goes to the small cabinet in the corner of the room currently serving as Roger's closet. He reaches into the pocket and feels a thin stack of papers. They're folded in half and he can't help but be curious as he hands it to Roger.

"It's my list."

"Your list?"

"All the good stuff…all the good times…You remember after I got clean when I couldn't remember stuff?"

Mark nods.

"I didn't want to forget the good things, the good times. So every time something good happened with any of us, I wrote it down. That way even if I forgot, I'd have it written down that something happened, that something good happened."

Mark manages a little half-smile. "Good idea."

Roger hands the papers to him. "I want you to read it to me later. And I want you to keep it."

_Please remember, please remember  
I was there for you and you were there for me  
Please remember, our time together  
_

A few days later, the lesions appear on his arm. Neither of them mentions it. Roger asks if Mark still has the papers. Mark assures him they're in his pocket.

"Read it to me."

"Now?"

Roger nods. "I want to remember."

Mark nods and pulls the folded papers from his pocket. He takes a shaky breath and begins to read. He hasn't read it since Roger handed it to him and isn't sure what he'll find written. "July 1989—Maureen bought us fireworks and lit them off on the roof."

Roger smiles. "I remember that…you thought we were gonna get arrested."

Mark chuckles softly. "Yeah…"

"Keep going."

"December 1989—Collins is home. Collins met Angel and introduced us all. Angel's a drummer, an awesome drag-queen drummer."

Roger blinks back tears but motions to Mark to keep going.

"December 1989—I met Mimi. She lives downstairs. I think I like her. Also, Maureen had her first protest and Mark sold his first footage to the news. I'm…I'm so proud of him."

Mark's got tears in his eyes now too. Roger puts a hand on his. "That's all today."

_The time was yours and mine  
while we were wild and free  
Please remember, please remember me  
_

The next day, Roger asks him to read more. Mark isn't surprised. Roger's paler, the bags under his eyes are growing. His face looks hollow.

"Okay…um…start where we left off yesterday?"

Roger nods.

"January 1990—we spent New Year's Eve breaking back into our own loft. Maureen dressed up like a cat, for some unknown reason."

They both laugh at that memory.

"February 1990—best Valentine's Day of my life because it's the first one I've had with Mimi."

Roger's eyes fill with tears.

"You want to stop?"

Roger shakes his head. "Keep…going…"

Mark nods. "July 1990—we all watched the fireworks from the roof. All of us together, not counting Benny, but all of us happy and feeling okay."

"That…was the last….holiday with Angel…"

Mark nods. "I know."

"Keep going…"

"Uh…okay…November 1990—back in New York, Mark quit Buzzline and he's let me come back to the loft, no questions asked."

Roger reaches a frail hand out to touch Mark's. "I didn't…thank you…for that…"

"You're my best friend. No need to—"

"Never said it…but I'm sorry…for all…the shit I said…after Angel's…funeral…"

Mark shakes his head. "Long forgiven."

"No more today…"

Mark nods and slips the papers into his pocket again. Neither of them says it, but they both know Roger's slipping away.

_Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say  
And it's sad to walk away  
with just the memories  
_

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"You ever…wonder…if I hadn't met…April…"

Mark thinks for a minute before answering him. "Forget regret. That's what we've always said, right?"

Roger manages a small nod.

"If you hadn't met April, you probably would've moved out of the loft and you wouldn't have met Mimi."

Roger blinks back tears. "You're right…as usual…"

_Who's to know what might have been  
We'll leave behind a life and time I'll never know again  
_

The visits are longer now. Not because Roger's feeling better. Quite the opposite. The visits are longer because they both know they're running out of time. Roger doesn't want to be alone and Mark doesn't want to leave his side. He's in and out of consciousness and sleep most of the day. Mark doesn't leave his side for anything other than using the bathroom that's in Roger's room. He only eats because one of the nurses picks him up sandwiches on her break.

"Mark?"

"Right here, Roger."

"Do you…know…where Maureen…Joanne…"

Mark shakes his head. "I'm not sure. I've left messages with Maureen's parents though and they'll pass the messages along as soon as they hear from them."

"Okay."

Mark studies his expression. "You okay? I mean, you need anything?"

"Just…don't…leave me…"

Mark holds Roger's hand in his, trying not to think about how strange it is that his hand is now so much bigger and stronger than Roger's. "I'm not going anywhere. Friendship is thicker than blood, okay? Remember that. I'm not leaving."

_Please remember, please remember  
I was there for you and you were there for me  
And remember, please remember me  
_

Mark hasn't read from the list again. It's still in his pocket, but Roger hasn't been alert enough to hear it or ask to hear it. Mark wishes he could still hide behind his camera. He hates the irony that he hid while surrounded by people and now, when he finally has to actually deal and not hide, he's alone.

Maureen and Joanne have been off who knows where. Maureen's parents swear they'll pass on the message as soon as they hear from them. Mark doesn't want to be angry with them, but he knows Roger wants to see them once more, say goodbye to them. He hates that he's not going to get that.

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you…tell my mom…I love her?"

Mark blinks back tears. "Yeah, yeah I'll tell her."

"Forget…this stuff…okay?"

"What stuff?"

"Hospital…just…look at…the list…remember that…"

Mark nods.

_Please remember, please remember  
I was there for you and you were there for me  
Please remember our time together  
The time was yours and mine  
While we were wild and free  
Then remember, please remember me  
_

Mark's there when Roger dies. He's holding his hand tightly. He's the only one there. When Roger's breathing stops and the heart monitor beeps in that sad monotone, Mark turns the machine off and pushes the button for the nurses. He tells them he wants some time to say goodbye first.

The truth is they've already said goodbye. Mark just doesn't want it to be over. So when the nurses leave, he sits on the bed beside Roger and pulls him into a final embrace, fighting his tears. He's not trying to hide. He's afraid that if he starts to cry, he may not be able to stop.

He makes the funeral arrangements himself for a week later. It gives Maureen and Joanne enough time to resurface. It gives Mark time to go see Mrs. Davis. She's been in a nursing home for the last seven years. She has Alzheimer's. He tells the nurses what happened before telling Mrs. Davis. The old woman cries for a few minutes but eventually calms. When she looks Mark up and down and asks who he is and where her son is, Mark can't do anything but shake his head apologetically at the nurses and walk out.

He goes home to the loft that suddenly seems much too empty, much too quiet. He sets up the old projector and turns on his favorite movie, his first movie.

_And how we laugh and how we smile  
And how this heart was yours and mine  
and how a dream was out of reach_

When the movie is over, Mark finally pulls out the list and begins to read over all of it, paying careful attention to the parts he had yet to read. It's all there. Every possible happy moment for any of them. Collins getting his memoirs published. Maureen and Joanne's commitment ceremony. Mark's win at the local film festivals. All of it chronicled in Roger's scratchy handwriting on yellowing notebook paper.

_I stood by you, you stood by me  
We took each day and made it shine  
We wrote our names across the sky  
We ride so fast, we ride so free  
And I knew that you had me  
_

Mark sits alone at the funeral, shrugging off Maureen and Joanne. He wants to grieve alone. When they go to the cemetery for the burial, he drops the rose onto the closed coffin and collapses to the ground in tears.

_Please remember, please remember_


	8. Dangerous Game

**Rating:** strong R

**Warnings:** Mild language, violence, drug use, suicide, sexual situations (not explicit)

**Song Featured:** "Dangerous Game" from the musical _Jekyll and Hyde_

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Dangerous Game" is the sole property of its writers.

They meet after a show. They talk at the bar afterwards, each feigning actual interest until she asks him back to her place.

Her apartment's small, but it doesn't matter. They only need one room.

_I feel your fingers, cold on my shoulder_

_Your chilling touch as it runs down my spine_

He watches her strip, enchanted by every move. When she takes her top off, he sees the track marks. For a brief instant, he wonders if he should leave.

_Watching your eyes as they invade my soul_

_Forbidden pleasures I'm afraid to make mine_

Before he thinks too much, she's on his lap, her lips covering his. His hands are on her hips as she grinds against him, his jeans now painfully tight.

"Bedroom," she whispers against his ear. He can't do anything but nod and let her pull him along the darkened hallway.

_At the touch of your hand, at the sound of your voice_

_At the moment your eyes meet mine_

_I am losing my mind, I am losing control_

_Full of feelings I can't define._

He wakes the next morning in her bed, slightly hungover, but no worse than usual. She's not there. He follows the light slapping sound to the bathroom. She's sitting on the edge of the tub, tapping her arm for a vein. There's a needle balanced delicately beside her.

_It's a sin with no name, like a hand in a flame_

_And our senses proclaim it's a dangerous game_

He doesn't think he'll see her again but the next night, she's at the gig. Part of him is disturbed, wondering if she expects something of him. When she slips away after a simple hello and handing over her phone number, he finds himself intrigued, drawn to her.

The months slip by and they fall into a routine. The day is for sleeping, for buying smack, for shooting up. The night is when they come alive. The night is for his gigs and her seductions. For getting high. For hours of sex without any pretenses or forced conversations.

_A darker dream that has no ending_

_That's so unreal, you believe that it's true_

They aren't careful. Careful is for people like his roommates, good people with preconceived notions of right and wrong. No, they're bad and they like it that way. They don't bother with condoms—why waste money that could buy more smack? They share needles, both so desperate for a high that they're unwilling to search for a second needle.

She starts pulling away slowly. He sees her flirting with other men during his gigs. A few times she slips out of his line of vision for ten, sometimes twenty minutes. He wouldn't be bothered, but she won't tell him where she goes. She brings home more smack now, though she won't say where she gets the money for it.

_A dance of death, out of a mystery tale_

_The frightened princess doesn't know what to do_

_Will the ghosts go away? Will she will them to stay?  
Either way there's no way to win_

It's one of his roommates that finds her in the bathroom of her apartment. They'd been looking for him. He hasn't been home in a week. Instead they find her in the bathtub with her wrists slit. He comes home while the police are there to take the body. Her favorite red lipstick is uncapped on the counter where she dropped it after writing the note. Scrawled across the mirror in that harsh blood color are four words: Baby we got AIDS.

He sees it and can't do anything but shake and tremble. He runs out and throws up in the alleyway before buying more stash and shooting up, praying it's all been a bad dream.

_All I know is I'm lost_

_And I'm counting the cost_

_My emotions are in a spin_

They tell him they're going to help him get clean. He wonders if it's a good idea, if they mean it…After all, now he's dying anyway and it's his own damned fault. His best friend says it's not his fault entirely, that it's possible that she was sick first. There's no doubt in his mind that that's a very strong possibility.

_I don't know who to blame_

_It's a crime and a shame_

_But it's true all the same_

_It's a dangerous game_

The withdrawals are bad. Of his four roommates, only one is actually there. One has a job he has to go to. One apparently got married, though he's not sure when that happened. One is staying with her mom and dad until the worst is over. He knows that's best. He doesn't want to hurt her. He doesn't want to hurt anyone.

They fall into a routine too. The day is for arguing, screaming, sometimes physically striking one another. The night is for shaking, for sweating and vomiting and feeling pathetic. The night is for crying.

_No one speaks_

_Not one word_

_But what words are in our eyes_

He apologizes the first morning and the second. He says there's nothing to apologize for, that this will all get better. They know it won't though. They've gotten his test results back. Even if the withdrawals get better, he's going to go downhill again and it'll be worse, much worse. And probably sooner rather than later. They don't talk about that though.

_Silence speaks loud and clear_

_All the words we don't want to hear_

A month passes the same way and the shaking and vomiting lessen. His sweating has all but stopped. He can finally sleep but never through the night. He wakes screaming and crying at least once each night. The nightmares are so real, so vivid. His best friend runs in and shakes him awake, then holds him until the tears stop.

_At the touch of your hand_

_At the sound of your voice_

_At the moment your eyes meet mine_

He's terrified of what's happening to his own body. The trembling is still there from time to time. What scares him more is sleep. When it comes, as it occasionally does, the nightmares are still there. After two more months, he's forced himself into a kind of insomnia, preferring the exhaustion to the nightmares he sees whenever he closes his eyes.

Through it all, his best friend is the only one there. The other roommate comes home from her parents' house, but at night when he screams, she doesn't come running. He does. He hugs him tightly and promises to never leave, to never abandon him. He rocks him like a baby until he's lulled into a relaxed stupor halfway between sleep and waking.

_I am losing my mind, I am losing control_

_Full of feelings I can't define_

He can't bring himself to tell the others what happened, what the tests said. Sure one of them has it too. But that was out of pure accident and happenstance. This was his own stupidity, his own weakness, his own failures.

_It's a sin with no name, no remorse and no shame_

_Fire, fury and flame 'cause the devil's to blame_

They rally around him. They tell him blame won't change it. They tell him they're not mad, that they don't hate him and never could.

_And the angels proclaim_

_It's a dangerous game_


	9. Measure a Man

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** Some adult language, mentions of drug use

**Song Featured:** "Measure a Man" as performed by Clay Aiken

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Measure a Man" is the sole property of its writers.

He wonders what it is that she sees in Benny. Sure, Benny's got money. It's not his, exactly, it's Allison's, his wife's. Maybe she doesn't know he's married. Whether she knows or not, Mark is sure that he tells her it's his. Could it all be about money? Mark takes another drink from the beer bottle at the table and watches her swivel her hips around in time to the music.

_If one day you discover him broken down, he's lost everything  
no cars, no fancy clothes to make him who he's not  
the woman at his side is all that he has got  
_

"She's fantastic. I mean, she's sweet and she doesn't cling or demand anything. She doesn't bitch at me half as much as Allison."

Mark rolls his eyes. "No offense, Benny, but is this going somewhere?"

"She said she loves me."

Mark nearly spits out his drink. He coughs for a minute before almost laughing. "So I take it she doesn't know about Allison?"

"Of course not."

"And did you say it back?"

"Couldn't…then she went all paranoid about why wouldn't I say it back and wanting an exact layout of my feelings for her. She actually asked what I would do for her."

"Do for her?"

Benny nods. "Yeah, like takin' bullets and jumping in front of speeding cars. Life and death kind of shit."

_Why do you ask him move heaven and earth to prove his love has worth?  
_

"Would you?"

"How the hell am I supposed to answer that, Mark? That's more of a trick question than 'do I look fat in these pants' and you know it."

Mark laughs. "No, it's not. You tell her yes, you'd do all those things."

"Mark, she's not that good of a lay that I'm gonna get my ass killed for her."

"Are you out of your mind? She doesn't want you to actually go get yourself killed. She wants to know you'd protect her."

"What?"

"She wants to know that you'd be willing to do those things. Come on, what are the odds that you'd actually have to take a bullet for her?"

"Mark, we live in New York City."

_Would he walk on water? Would he run through fire?  
Would he stand before you when it's down to the wire?  
_

As he walks back to the loft, Mark wonders about Mimi. He's seen her dance but he's never spoken with her and never seen her outside of the club. He wonders if she's truly that insecure that she needs to know Benny would die for her.

Stepping into the loft, he sees a note from Maureen promising to be back tonight. He understands that Mimi's insecurities perfectly. He's just not sure that his own insecurities run as deep. He doesn't want to know that Maureen's willing to die for him. Hell, he's willing to settle for willing to be faithful to him.

Maureen's cheated before, though, that's why he's that insecure. What could've happened to Mimi, he wonders, that would make her want or need that much reassurance?

_Would he give his life up to be all he can  
Is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?  
_

Mark isn't surprised when Benny tells him she broke it off. He didn't exactly treat her well and he sure as hell doesn't deserve her. Mark still hasn't spoken on her, but based on how Benny's treated him and Roger, there's no way he deserves a woman like Mimi.

He's surprised and somewhat jealous when she shows up at the loft to introduce herself to Roger. They both deserve happiness though. Mark can't stand seeing Roger mope around the loft, which is all he's done since April's suicide. So Mark pushes his own feelings aside and tells Roger to pursue her. He hopes Roger is enough for her.

_If by chance all he had to give you was three words wrapped around your finger  
Would that be deep enough at the end of everyday  
and how will you ever know if a man is what he says?_

"Mark, I don't know what to do. He completely shuts me out," she says.

"He…he doesn't like to talk about his feelings."

"I noticed."

Mark hands her a cup of coffee, a jolt running through him when their hands brush. He mentally scolds himself and refocuses his attention.

"Roger's last girlfriend—"

"I know what happened with April. He told me that."

"He did?"

She nods.

"Wow…he doesn't talk about April to anybody."

"So he can talk to me about shit he doesn't talk to other people about…why can't he just say it back?"

"Mimi, what do you want him to say?"

"That he loves me."

"He'll say it—"

"When he's ready. That's exactly what he said."

She stands up and Mark bites his lip, resisting the urge to call after her. She needs to be alone right now. They've grown close enough for him to know that much. What kills him is knowing it wouldn't make a difference if he called after her. She'd keep going.

_Why do you ask him move heaven and earth  
To prove his love has worth?  
Would he walk on water? _

_Would he run through fire?  
Would he stand before you when it's down to the wire?  
Would he give his life up to be all he can?  
Is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?  
_

She's curled up on Roger's lap and Mark's regretting his request to film them. Sure he needs more footage but he feels his heart coming undone a little more each time Roger touches her. Each time she kisses him. Each time they ignore him because they're lost in each other. He's been spacing out and is snapped back to reality when he hears her say his name.

"Huh?"

"Oh, I was just saying that Roger needs to be more like you."

His eyes widen and he's grateful for the camera to hide behind. "What?"

"You know, sweeter, nicer…"

Roger sticks his tongue out at her. "I am nice!"

_He never gives up, lets go of his dreams  
his world goes around for his one true belief  
Is that how you know? Is that what it means?  
_

He watches them fall apart and watches Benny swoop in to console her. His heart's broken and he's not sure he even cares to try and fix it.

In the hallway outside the loft, they all watch as Roger storms down the stairs, bag and guitar in hand, bound for Santa Fe. Benny moves to pull Mimi into his arms and she pushes him away. Mark feels a glimmer of hope.

"Please don't touch me," she says. "Understand that I'm scared…I need to go away."

This is it. His chance. He can save her. Save her the way Roger wanted to and couldn't. The way Benny couldn't.

"I know a place, a clinic—"

"A rehab?" Benny asks.

Mark nods, daring a step closer to her.

"Maybe," she says.

Mark freezes when she turns to Benny. "Could you…"

"I'll pay."

Maybe it is money. He hates thinking that she'd be that shallow, but it's easier than thinking she'd choose Benny over him.

_Would he walk on water?  
Would he run through fire?  
Would he stand before you?  
_

She goes missing. Mark didn't think his heart could break any more. He pretends the concern is purely platonic. He pretends so well that no one questions it. When Maureen and Joanne find her, his mind is made up. He has to tell her. Losing her to Roger or Benny is one thing, but to think she'd been out there alone without either of them and still not knowing how much he loves her…Mark couldn't handle that.

He loses all courage when she tells Roger she loves him. Words that could very well be her last and she chooses to tell Roger that she loves him, knowing full well that he's never said it back.

_Will he be your anchor when the dark unfolds?  
Will he always love you the best that he knows?  
Would he give his life up to be all he can?  
Is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?  
_

Mark feels the lump in his throat when Roger finally does assure her that he loves her. There's no way now. No way will she ever pick him over Roger. Not when Roger's…Roger. His eyes fill with tears when they think she's died. Roger cries out her name.

_Would he walk on water?  
Would he run through fire?  
Would he stand before you when it's down to the wire?  
Would he give his life up to be all he can?_

When she comes back to life a minute later, Mark feels more joy than he thought possible. She's clinging to Roger and he knows she always will, but she's alive. The pure knowledge that she's alive puts part of his heart back together. He starts the film reel and watches the images flicker across the screen. He knows he'll never tell her the truth. All he wants in this world is her happiness. As the footage pours across the screen, he knows that her happiness is Roger. For once, Mark's okay with that.

_Is that, is that, is that how you measure...  
Is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?_


	10. How Long Must This Go On?

**Rating:** R

**Warnings:** Mild language, mentions of alcohol use, implied sexual activity, mention of suicide

**Song Featured:** "How Long Must This Go On?" from the stage musical of _Beauty and the Beast_

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "How Long Must This Go On?" is the sole property of its writers.

He lay in bed, the doctor's words echoing in his head. Around couple more years. His mom damned near had a nervous breakdown when he told her. All he can think about now is how disappointed she must be. She won't say it, but how could she not? All those years when he was growing up and promised he would take good care of himself...

_How long must this go on?_

_This cruel trick of fate?_

The first time, he'd just been drunk out of his mind. Still, he couldn't blame it all on alcohol. He wasn't drunk the second time or the third or the fourth…

_I made one careless wrong decision_

April killed herself. He's not as sad as he thinks he should be. He's pissed. He's pissed because she took the easy out. She didn't talk to him, didn't tell him what happened, didn't tell him about her test—the test that changed his life too. No, she took the easy way out and didn't even care enough to tell him. He had to hear it from Collins.

_And then the witch was gone_

_And left me in this state_

He's afraid to tell anyone. Including Collins, which seems a little ridiculous since Collins is positive too. He knows his friends won't understand. At least, he's afraid they won't. If he tells them, they'll be angry…they'll hate him. At least he'll hate him. His best friend will hate him.

_An object of revulsion and derision_

_Hated…_

He wants to make up for it. To make up for the mistakes he made with April. He knows that if he told them what happened, they'd say it just happened and that they all forgive him. But his best friend wouldn't. He knows that. So he decides that he'll find some way to make it right, to make peace with it.

_Is there no one who can show me_

_How to win the world's forgiveness?_

The phone in the living room rings. He hesitates but gets up and goes to get it.

"Hello?"

"Mark?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"I want to get clean."

A few minutes later, Mark hangs up the phone. He's found his redemption. He'll help Roger get clean. And no one, especially Roger, will ever know about the affair.


	11. Ever the Same

**Rating:** R

**Warnings:** Drug use, adult language, character death, suicide, mentions of sexual activity

**Song Featured:** "Ever the Same" as performed by Rob Thomas

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Ever the Same" is the sole property of its writers.

Roger and April strolled down the sidewalk. He stopped in front of the café.

"What are you—"

Roger leaned in and kissed her softly, backing her against the brick of the café. He pulled back smiling.

"What was that for?" she asked, smiling.

"Just 'cause."

"Just 'cause?"

Roger shrugged. "Yep."

She smiled and linked her arm through his as they continued towards the park.

_We were drawn like the weeds_

The Man had a strange look on his face when April approached.

"Look, think you should know that ex of yours, Bobby?"

"Billy," she corrected.

The Man rolled his eyes. "Whatever. He stopped by lookin' for you."

"Lookin' for me? Why?"

"Tested positive."

"What? Positive for what?"

"AIDS."

_We were brave like soldiers_

April shoved the money at him, grabbed the bag, and jogged back to Roger. She stormed down the sidewalk to their favorite alleyway, practically dragging Roger along behind her.

She sat on the crate and bit her lip.

"What? What's that look for?"

"Billy. My ex…he…he's got AIDS."

Roger sank to his knees. He stared at the ground for a minute but looked up when he heard her tears. He reached up with one hand and brushed the cheeks away.

"It's okay. We'll get you tested. It'll be okay."

"What if…"

Roger tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Then I'll take care of you."

They both stared at the bag in her lap. Their happiness, their salvation, their key to happiness, their nirvana. They both knew they only had one needle.

"You do it first," she said softly.

Roger nodded and quickly complied, prepping the syringe and tying off with the belt April kept in her oversized purse. He shot up, sighing with relief at the vague euphoria. April heated the remaining powder and, with Roger's sad eyes watching her, slid the needle into her arm. His head fell to her lap as they whispered reassurances to one another in the darkness.

_Falling down under the pale moonlight_

_You were holding to me like someone broken  
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now  
_

They stood in the clinic, waiting for the blood draw. April was shaking. Partly from fear, partly from withdrawals. She hadn't shot up with him in the morning and now it as almost two in the afternoon.

They left the clinic and went quietly back to April's apartment. She started to cry once they were inside. Roger wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly to him.

_Just let me hold you while you're falling apart  
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down  
_

It was the first night since they'd met that they spent together without having sex. Instead, they used separate needles to shoot up and then lay in April's bed, holding each other until they fell asleep.

_Fall on me_

_Tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you, forever in me, ever the same  
_

Two weeks later, the clinic called and asked her to come in. Roger kept an arm around her waist. They walked in silence to the clinic. April tried to hide the shaking but Roger could feel it. It wasn't withdrawals. Only fear.

He kept his arm around her as the nurse handed her a folded piece of paper.

"The doctor will be with you in a minute," the nurse said, backing out of the room.

April stared down at the paper. With trembling hands, she unfolded the paper. One hand went to her mouth when she saw the word: positive.

Roger saw it too. He kept his arm around her and kissed her head. She turned into him, sobbing into his chest, her hand still clutching the paper.

"Remember when we went to the beach together last summer?" he asked softly.

"Wha…"

"We promised to be together forever."

She pulled back to look at him, shaking her head. "Forever just got a hell of a lot shorter."

"So we better make it count."

_Now it's cold and we're scared  
And we've both been shaken  
Hey, look at us, man, this doesn't need to be the end  
_

When they returned to her apartment, April was still crying. Roger held her tightly, fighting his own tears.

"I don't want to die…I don't want to die…" she cried.

"I know, baby. I know."

"Please don't leave me. Please…please don't leave me."

"Never. Not going anywhere," he whispered into her hair.

_Just let me hold you while you're falling apart  
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down  
_

April went downhill fast after her diagnosis. By the time she was tested, she was nearly in full-blown AIDS. Three weeks after her diagnosis, she found the first lesion. Right over the oldest track marks.

She stopped leaving her apartment. Roger went out in the mornings and bought smack and needles. There was no more sex. They were both too afraid. Roger hadn't been tested yet. April wanted to quit but didn't see the point.

"At least it makes the pain better," she said, tears in her eyes.

_Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you, Forever in me, Ever the same  
Call on me, I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me  
Forever it's you, forever in me, ever the same  
_

She stayed in bed nearly all the time. Roger made soup and whatever else she wanted. He didn't leave her side. Mark called a few times and Maureen stopped by once, but Roger didn't want anyone else there. Neither did April. She didn't want her friends to see her like this, remember her like this.

"Roger?" she said one afternoon.

"Hmm?"

"Why are you still here?"

"What?"

"Why…why haven't you left?"

"And gone where?"

"Away from me…back to the others. Where you don't have to deal with me…"

Roger leaned over and kissed her tears. "Because I love you. And I promised you I wouldn't."

_You may need me there to carry all your weight  
But you're no burden I assure  
You tide me over with a warmth I'll not forget  
But I can only give you love  
_

April insisted Roger go visit Mark.

"You haven't seen him…in over a month."

"So what?"

She smiled. "He's your best friend…I'll be fine. I'll just sleep."

Roger was hesitant but went anyway, promising to return as soon as he could. When he'd gone, she gathered her strength and went to the living room. She found a pen and a notepad.

_Roger,_

_I can't do this. It hurts too much and I'm too tired. Please don't be too sad. Please move on. I just want this to end. Baby we got AIDS…I don't want to be like this._

_I love you,_

_April_

She tore out the paper and folded it in half, hands shaking. She wrote Roger's name on it and set it on the table. Taking a shaky breath, April went to the bathroom and searched the drawer for the razor. Freeing the blade, she set it on the edge of the tub and stripped down. She folded her clothes neatly and sat in the empty tub. Holding her breath and blinking back tears, April dragged the blade up one arm and then the other. She just wanted it to end, to go back to how it was before the drugs.

_Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you, forever in me, ever the same  
_

Roger came home a couple of hours later. It had felt good to see Mark and Maureen again, though he spent most of the visit worrying about April. He still hadn't told anyone about Mark and Maureen that he could be positive, that they hadn't used condoms, that they'd shared needles.

He went to April's room, frowning when he saw it empty. "April? Babe?"

Going back to the living room, Roger saw the folded paper on the coffee table. He picked it up and read it, tears filling his eyes.

"April! April, where the fuck are you? Answer me!"

There was no answer. Roger saw the light on in the bathroom. The door was slightly open. Roger pushed it open and screamed.

"April! No!"

He ran to the phone and called 911. It was too late. They questioned Roger, took her body, and gave him the medical examiner's phone number. He made his way back to the loft, shaking from withdrawals and grief. He climbed the stairs and realized he didn't have a key. Roger knocked on the door and waited for Mark to open it.

"Hey! Back so…what's going on?"

Roger fell against him, sobbing.

_Call on me, I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me  
Forever it's you, forever in me, ever the same  
_

_Forever with you, forever in me  
Ever the same_


	12. Invisible Man

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** Adult language, mentions of sexual activity, lots of Mark-angst/drama

**Song Featured:** "Invisible Man" as performed by the group 98 Degrees

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Invisible Man" is the sole property of its writers.

"Oh my gosh, April, he's so sweet! Last night, we were out at this restaurant and he said he had to use the bathroom and he snuck out and went to this guy who was selling roses on the corner and got me a single red rose."

"Oh! That is so adorable!" April said, smiling at Maureen.

"I know! And so then he…"

Mark tuned out the rest of what she was saying. He didn't want to hear about how wonderful this new guy was, how perfect he was for her.

_You can hardly wait to tell all your friends how his kisses taste sweet like wine  
And how he always makes your heart skip a beat every time he walks by  
_

Mark sat on the fire escape with his notebook.

"Mark! Throw down a key!"

He looked down and saw Maureen. He stepped into the loft long enough to grab the key and dropped it down to her. A minute later, the loft door slid open.

"Is April around?" she asked right away.

"No, no, she went out with Roger. Sorry."

Maureen sighed. "Oh, it's okay. I just…I was really hoping she'd be here."

"Are, uh, are you okay? I mean, you seem kind of upset."

Maureen flopped down onto the couch. "I got fired. My stupid boss is such an asshole! He gave me this whole lecture about how I need to conform to the management setting."

"Why?"

She shrugged.

"Don't listen to him. You don't need to conform to anything."

She gave a small smile. "Thanks, Marky…listen, you mind if I use your phone?"

"Oh, not at all. Go ahead," he said, gesturing to it.

Mark went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee pot, wanting to give her some measure of privacy. She hung up a couple minutes later, the small smile now a huge grin. "He's so awesome!"

"Who?"

"Darren. He just always knows exactly what to say when I'm upset. It's like I don't even care anymore that I got fired."

Mark smiled. Not because he actually gave a damn about Darren, Mark was just glad to see Maureen less upset. He hated seeing her sad.

_And if you're feeling down, he'll pick you up  
He'll hold you close when you're making love  
He's everything you been dreaming of, oh baby  
_

"Guys, this is Darren. Darren, this is Mark, Roger, and April."

A dark haired man extended his hand. Roger and April shook his hand. Mark reluctantly followed their lead. Maureen and Darren sat down across from April and Roger, leaving Mark sitting at the end of the table. Alone.

"So, Darren, what do you do?"

"I'm actually a sports writer."

"He covers sports for the newspaper."

"Which one?"

"Times," he said.

Mark resisted the urge to shrink into his seat. Maureen glowed with admiration and adoration as he and Roger talked about various sports and games. How could he compete with that?

_I wish you'd look at me that way  
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine  
Telling me more than any words could say  
But you don't even know I'm alive  
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man  
_

"Babe, I thought you and Maureen were going to go out tonight?" Roger asked.

April flopped down on the couch. "No. Phone was busy the whole fuckin' afternoon. Couldn't get through to even ask if she wanted to go."

"Sorry."

Mark sat by the windowsill, hoping for inspiration for his next screenplay. He couldn't tear his thoughts from Maureen. She was probably with the wonderful Darren. Why did he have to be so damned perfect? All through last week's dinner, Mark had watched for some reason to hate him, some reason that he was better than Darren. The guy was perfect, though. Smart but not condescending. Sweet and good to Maureen but not a pushover and a complete macho man. Creative and successful. The guy was two steps from sainthood, as far as Mark could tell.

_You probably spend hours on the phone talking 'bout nothing at all  
It doesn't matter what the conversation, just as long as he calls  
_

"I love you," Darren said, pulling Maureen into his lap.

She giggled and slipped her arms around his neck. "I love you too."

Roger rolled his eyes. "Get a room, you two."

They didn't seem aware of the rest of the group. Instead they spent the next several minutes whispering and giggling. Mark fought the jealous nausea as long as he could. Finally he stood up and grabbed his camera.

"I need to get some filming done," he mumbled to Roger.

_Lost in a love so real, and so sincere, and you'll wipe away other's tears  
Your face lights up whenever he appears  
_

"You like her, don't you?" Roger asked.

"Huh?"

"Maureen. You like her."

Mark blushed. "No."

Roger raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, fine. Maybe I like her a little…okay, a lot."

"So have you told her?"

"What? No. Of course not. She's got Darren."

"So?"

Before Mark could answer, the phone rang. The machine picked up after the first ring. _"Speak!"_

"Mark! Roger! Throw us the keys!"

Mark cringed. "Us? They're an 'us'?"

Roger laughed and patted his back. "You got it bad, Mark. We'll talk 'bout this later."

A few minutes later, Mark watched as Maureen danced in, arms wrapped around Darren.

"Hey, Mark. How's it going?" Darren asked, grinning.

"Pretty good. You?"

"Awesome. Long as I got my girl I'm flyin' high."

Mark resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He held his breath and forced the smile to stay plastered to his face when Maureen leaned up on tiptoe to kiss him.

_I wish you'd look at me that way  
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine  
Telling me more than any words could say  
_

"We're getting married!" Maureen said.

April jumped from Roger's lap. She and Maureen danced around, giggling like they were still in high school.

"Let me see the ring," April said.

"Oh he didn't get one yet. It was so spontaneous that he didn't have it yet."

"Congratulations," Mark mumbled and slipped out of the loft.

_But you don't even know I'm alive  
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man _

"Mark, you have to tell her," Roger said.

"Yeah, right."

"Damn it, Mark! Grow some balls and tell her!"

"Why the hell do you care so much?"

"Because I don't think he's right for her."

"What?"

Roger shook his head. "I know. Doesn't make sense. Not even a real reason. I just…gut instinct or whatever…I don't think he's right for her."

"Even if I happen to agree, why the hell would a girl like her go for a guy like me? Especially when a guy like Darren's ready to marry her?"

"Ready to marry her? Prick didn't even have a ring! That spontaneity crap was just…crap. What decent guy proposes without thinking enough to get a ring?"

Mark nodded. They both nearly jumped when April and Maureen came in.

"Hey guys!" April said.

"Hey. You two have fun?"

"Oh yeah. We were just looking at rings."

"Rings?"

"Well, Darren's really busy with the paper so he figured that it'd be easier if I pick out my ring with April and then just go buy it with him when he's got a day off."

"Why not just look for rings together when he has a day off?" Roger asked.

"Because…just…because…" Maureen clearly hadn't thought of that.

Roger looked at Mark.

"What?" Maureen asked.

They looked back at her.

"Why are you two staring at each other like that?" April asked.

Mark gave a small nod.

"April, I need to talk to you in the bedroom for a minute."

April looked confused, but followed.

"Is everything okay?" Maureen asked when Roger's door clicked shut.

"I have to talk to you."

"Okay. About what?"

"I love you."

"What?"

"Look, I know it's bad timing and I know that you're marrying Darren, but I just had to say it. I love you. I'm completely in love with you and I couldn't watch you get married without telling you that."

Maureen stared at him and bit her lip. Her eyes filled with tears. She shook her head. "I'm sorry…I have to go…"

_I see you all the time baby…huh, the way you look at him  
I wish it was me, sweetheart…boy, I wish it was me but I guess...  
_

"I told you what happened," Mark said. "I told her that I love her and that I didn't want to see her marry Darren without telling her that and she bolted."

Roger shook his head. "That's not like her. Maureen Johnson doesn't run from anything."

"Apparently I'm the lucky exception to that."

Mark flipped through the latest pictures he'd developed. Maureen staring at Darren. Maureen smiling at Darren. Maureen. Maureen. Roger and April. Roger and April. Maureen and April. Maureen and Darren.

_I wish you'd look at me that way  
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine  
Telling me more than any words could say  
But you don't even know I'm alive  
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man  
_

A week later, Maureen returned to the loft. Mark was the only one home.

"Hey. April and Roger are out."

"That's fine. I need to talk to you," she said.

Mark fidgeted with his camera. "Okay, 'bout what?"

She covered one of his hands with one of hers. "Mark, put the camera down."

He set it on the table.

"Fine. Talk about what?"

"You know what."

Mark nodded and sat down on the couch. Maureen paced slowly in front of it.

"Did you mean it?"

"What?"

"Did you mean it? When you said that you love me, did you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it. I do love you. But I want you to be happy. If that's with Darren, I'll deal with it."

Her eyes filled with tears as she walked. "Darren and I are through…he cheated."

"He what?" Mark felt his heart fill with rage.

"He cheated. Some slut at the paper. And that's not even the worst part."

Mark leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees.

"When I found out, when I saw them, you know what he said? He said I should've figured it out by now. He said it's been going on for months and that the only reason he's still with me…was for the sex."

Mark stood up. "I thought you guys were getting married."

"Apparently that was a spur of the moment I-want-a-night-of-real-hot-sex thing. God, I'm such an idiot!"

Mark stepped in front of her and took hold of her shoulders. "You are not an idiot. He is. He's a selfish, obnoxious, pig-headed, arrogant, lowlife bastard son of a bitch. You deserve so much more than that."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you love me?" she asked quietly, tears spilled over her cheeks.

Mark gave a small smile. "Because I do. You're smart and you're beautiful and sweet. And you're funny and outgoing and fiery and spirited."

Maureen leaned up on tiptoe and kissed him softly. Mark pulled away, shaking his head.

"What? I thought that's what you wanted?"

"Maureen, I don't love you because I think it'll get me in your pants. And I don't want you to kiss me just because you're upset."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no, don't be," he said, brushing away her tears. "I just don't want you to do anything you end up regretting. And I don't want to be some rebound guy."

Maureen nodded. "I just…I thought he really loved me…I…I…"

Mark put his arms around her and hugged her tightly to him. She fell against his chest, shaking slightly with her tears. Mark stroked her hair, trying to whisper every reassurance he could think of.

**--line break--line break--**

Mark watched Joanne and Maureen talking in the corner. He wanted to hate Joanne. Wanted to hate her as much as he'd hated Darren. But Joanne wasn't Darren. Joanne would never be Darren. And not just because she was a woman. She loved Maureen, really and truly. She loved Maureen and Maureen loved her. Mark watched them and wished, for one selfish moment, that they'd never met.

_I wish you'd look at me that way  
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine  
Telling me more than any words could say  
But you don't even know I'm alive  
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man  
_


	13. Sneak Peek!

Sneak Peek

Here's a sneak peek at what's coming up with the song-fics. Remember the chapters are each a one-shot. All of these are tentative so no promises, but I've got ideas on each.

"I Know the Truth" (from _Aida_): Allison's thoughts after she learns of Benny's affair

"If I Don't Tell You Now" (Ronan Keating): Roger's thoughts about Mimi during his trip to and from Santa Fe

"Torn" (Natalie Imbrulia): Mimi's reaction to learning that Benny's married

"She Will Be Loved" (Maroon 5): Benny will always love Mimi

"Crash and Burn" (Savage Garden): The Bohemians are always there for each other

"Picture" (Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock): Mimi and Roger while they're apart after Roger leaves for Santa Fe

"Bless the Broken Road" (Rascal Flatts): Roger realizes who his life has been leading him to

"You Were Mine" (Dixie Chicks): Mark pines for Maureen after their breakup

"She's More" (country song, can't remember who sings it): April isn't the girl Roger thought he'd fall for

"Wild One" (Faith Hill): Maureen's always been a bit of a wild child

"The Movie in My Mind" (from _Miss Saigon_): Mimi's thoughts at the Cat Scratch Club


	14. Crash and Burn

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** Language, smoking

**Song Featured:** "Crash and Burn" as performed by Savage Garden

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Crash and Burn" is the sole property of its writer(s).

**Note: **Okay, I cut out the repeated choruses because I felt it'd be too much dragging on and repitition. Just a lil fyi

* * *

Mark and Collins found April. Collins called 911. Mark searched the loft for Roger. He found him huddled in the corner of his bedroom.

"Roger…"

"She's dead…she's dead…she promised she wouldn't—wouldn't leave…" Tears were streaming down his cheeks.

"I-I'm sorry…"

"I'm dying."

"No, you're not. I know this hurts but—"

Roger extended a trembling hand holding a crumpled piece of notebook paper. Mark reached for it. Four words. Baby we got AIDS. Mark knelt down and wrapped his arms around Roger.

_When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you_

_Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart_

Three days. Three days that Roger hadn't slept. Mark finally got him to close his eyes and exhaustion overwhelmed him.

"How you holding up?" she asked.

"Fine."

"Fine?"

"I just…" Mark sighed. "It feels like it's not getting any better. I just…I wish I knew how to help him."

Maureen slipped her arms around his neck. "You are helping him, baby. You are."

_I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you_

_It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold_

Mimi had been quiet through her whole first meeting. She was on her way out the door when she heard someone call her name. She turned and saw one of the other group members, she couldn't remember name, coming towards her.

"Hi! I'm Angel."

"Mimi, but apparently you remembered."

"Wanna go get some lunch?"

"Sorry I'm broke."

Angel shrugged. "My treat."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why?" Mimi was suspicious. Nobody gave something for nothing.

"You seem nice. And you look like you could use a friend."

_When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore_

_Let me be the one you call_

Roger stood on the roof, staring down at the street. He heard the door click open but didn't turn around.

"Don't," Benny said.

"What?"

"Don't jump." He approached Roger slowly, his hands up in defense.

"You really think I'm that stupid?"

Benny stopped, dropping his hands. "I don't know. I mean, you…I just…"

"You figured that since I'm dying and my girlfriend killed herself I'd just follow her leave?"

"Not till I woke up in the middle of the night and found you standing very near to the edge of the roof."

Roger smiled. "Fair enough."

"So how you doin'?"

Roger shrugged. "Truth?"

"That'd be nice."

"I want to. I won't. But part of me wants to."

Benny stepped towards him and hugged Roger to him, pulling him away from the roof's ledge. Roger's head fell to Benny's shoulder as he cried.

"I miss her so much, Ben…and this just…everything hurts so much…"

_If you jump, I'll break your fall_

_Lift you up and fly away with you into the night_

_If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart_

_If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone_

Maureen sat in the café alone with her coffee. She was still blinking back tears when Mark came in.

"There you are," he said.

She didn't answer him. His camera, she noticed, was strangely absent.

"You kind of disappeared back there."

"Think you're the only one who noticed."

Mark shrugged and sat down across from her. "How you holdin' up?"

"One of my best friends is dying. How do you think I'm holding up?"

Mark winced. "Okay. Fair enough."

"I'm sorry. I just…"

"I know."

_When you feel all alone and a loyal friend is hard to find_

_You're caught in a one-way street with the monsters in your head_

"I quit Buzzline," Mark said.

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"Good. Alexi sounded like a pain in the ass," Roger laughed.

"Yeah, well, she was. How's Santa Fe?"

Roger's tone saddened. "Tell you the truth…it sucks. I thought I'd be able to clear my head, get some writing done…nothing. I just, I don't know…I thought I'd find my song out here, ya know? That one great song that I can be remembered for…"

"Why don't you come home?"

"What?"

"If Santa Fe sucks and you're not finding what you were looking for there, why not just come home?"

"That, um, that'd be okay?"

Mark nearly laughed. "Of course."

"Even after all the shit I said when I left?"

"Roger, just come home. You know you'd rather be freezing your ass off here than alone there anyway."

_When hopes and dreams are far away_

_And you feel like you can't face the day_

Roger sat on the fire escape, staring at the city below. Maureen came out and sat beside him.

"You okay?"

Roger nodded and took another puff of his cigarette. "Just wish I knew that she's okay…"

"I know. Me too."

Roger raised an eyebrow and stomped out the cigarette. "That's why we get along so well, Mo."

"Why?"

"Because you don't hand me the same trying-to-be-comforting 'I'm sure she's fine' bullshit that everyone else does."

Maureen nodded slowly. "I do hope she is. And in my heart, I think she is."

"Me too." Roger put an arm around her and gave her a quick hug.

"Rog?"

"Yeah?"

"Even, um…look I know we should stay positive and all that crap, but I just want you to know that even if Mimi's not okay, it's not your fault. And you will be okay."

Roger gave her a small, sad smile. "Thanks."

'_Cause there has always been heartache and pain_

_And when it's over you'll breathe again_

"Mark, you got a second?" Benny asked.

Mark nodded and sat down. "Sure, what's up?"

"Look, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

"What?"

"After Angel's funeral…when, um, when you and Roger got into that fight…"

"What about it?"

"Mimi's not the only one who heard it. I heard it too."

"Benny, that was months ago. Roger and I have talked that out—"

"I know and I'm not tryin' to start anything. I just…when you said that you're the one of us to survive…you're wrong."

Mark looked at him, frowning.

Benny sighed. "I know I've been a dick the last few years, but I'm still your friend. And I'm not goin' anywhere."

_When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you_

_Give me a moment, please, to tame your wild, wild heart_


	15. Torn

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **Drug use, adult language, implied sexual activity

**Song Featured: **Torn (as performed by Natalie Imbrulia)

**Disclaimer: **RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Torn" does not belong to me either, it belongs to its writer(s).

* * *

They sat in the park, Mimi's head on his chest.

"You know what?" Benny asked, stroking her hair.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

Mimi sat up and looked at him. "What?"

"I love you."

Mimi smiled. "You mean that?"

"Of course I do."

She leaned up and kissed him, happy tears in her eyes. "I love you too."

_I thought I saw a man brought to life_

_He was warm, he came around and he was dignified_

_He showed me what it was to cry_

"Look, I said I'm sorry!" Benny said.

"Yeah, I know. You're always sorry, Ben. And somehow it never changes one damn thing."

"Quit bein' so dramatic, okay? I told you I had shit to do."

"Do you even give a damn about me?" she asked quietly.

Benny sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Oh, here we go."

"What? I think it's a fair question when my boyfriend keeps blowing me off." Mimi crossed her arms defensively in front of herself.

_Well you couldn't be that man I adored_

_You don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for_

_But I don't know him anymore_

Mimi opened her eyes slowly. She wasn't surprised that he was already gone. Benny rarely stayed the night. His overnight stays were become even less frequent. She ran a hand delicately over the depression in the bed from where he'd been lying.

She debated about calling him, asking where he was. No point to that, though. They'd just fight about it. He'd insist she's paranoid, she'd insist that he's being an ass.

_There's nothing where he used to lie_

_My conversation has run dry_

_That's what's goin' on_

_Nothing's right, I'm torn_

Mimi lay on bed, curled up where Benny had left her. He couldn't be serious. Married? How could she be so stupid? A married man…Mimi's eyes fell to the necklace she always wore. The one he gave her for her birthday. It was a simple silver chain with a small silver heart pendant. In that instant, it seemed a thousand times heavier than she knew it to be. Mimi sat up and slipped off the necklace. She held it in the palm of her hand and let her tears fall on it.

_I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel_

_I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor_

_Illusion never changed into something real_

"I'm leaving her."

"Thought you already had," Mimi said evenly.

Benny stared at the ground.

"Yeah, forgot you said that, huh? You really should keep your lies straight, Ben."

She got up and walked out of the café as the rain started to fall.

_I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn_

_You're a little late, I'm already torn_

"I thought you loved me," Benny said.

Mimi groaned into the phone. "Benny, I do…I did. There's…I didn't know you were married."

"And that makes you stop loving me?"

Mimi felt tears in her eyes. "Just…just leave me alone, Ben."

She hung up the phone, holding Angel's hand tightly.

"You did good, girl," Angel said.

"I love him, Angel…I still love him…"

Angel's arms slid around her and her hands drifted to Mimi's hair. "Shh…It's okay, chica. It will be okay."

"You were right."

"What?"

"You told me when you met him that you thought he was an asshole. You were right."

"Oh, honey…"

_So I guess the fortune teller's right_

_I should've seen just what was there_

_And not some holy light to crawl beneath my veins_

Mimi jabbed the needle into the vein just like the girl at the club had told her. She felt the drug surge through her and smiled. This shit was expensive, but at least it made her forget about Benny and not care.

She picked up the ringing phone. "Hello?"

"Is this Mimi Marquez?"

"Yeah. Who's this?"

"Alison Coffin. Benjamin's wife."

"Your husband's a lying prick."

She hung up before Alison could respond.

_And now I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much_

_There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn_

"New boyfriend doesn't know about us," Benny said.

Mimi rolled her eyes. "There's nothing to know."

"Don't you think that we should discuss—"

"It was three months ago, Ben. Get over it."

"He doesn't act like he's with you."

She crossed her arms in front of her. "We're taking it slow."

"Where is he?"

"Right—" Mimi turned to where Roger had been sitting. "Where did he go?"

"That's what I thought."

_I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel_

_I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor_

"What made you change your mind?" Roger asked.

Benny grinned. "Mimi. She came to see me, made quite a case."

Roger's gaze shot to her and back. "You're a liar."

"Ask her. Ask her what she was wearing."

"I was on my way to work!"

He was twisting everything. Roger's gaze turned cold as Benny grinned. "Black leather and lace."

"Roger, I wear that shit to work. You know that!"

He acted like he didn't hear me. Benny was just trying to get back at me. He couldn't stand to see me happy with someone else. And I thought he was actually going to be a friend.

_Illusion never changed into something real_

_I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn_

_You're a little late, I'm already torn_

Mimi sat on the edge of the tub trembling. She could do this. She could get clean. She threw up again and made her way slowly to the bed. Memories of Benny circled in her head. He didn't think she could do this, told her there was no way she could do it on her own. She'd show him. As the tears fell, she wondered why she kept thinking of Benny instead of Roger. She was getting clean for Roger, not Benny, right?

_There's nothing where he used to lie_

_My inspiration has run dry_

_That's what's going on, nothing's right, I'm torn_

Mimi stood in the alley with her dealer.

"Hey, my favorite girl," he said.

She rolled her eyes. "Got anything for me?"

"You got anything for me?"

Roger had taken her money away the first time she tried to leave during withdrawals. Now, though, Angel was in the hospital. Between taking care of her and sitting at the hospital with Angel, Roger was exhausted. She'd taken the money from his wallet while he slept on the couch.

"Mimi!"

She turned and saw Roger running towards her as the dealer drifted back into the shadows. "Roger, I can explain—"

He yanked the bag from her hand. "No, baby, you can't. You can't do this."

"Roger—"

Roger put a hand on either side of her face. "Mimi, no. I know it's hard, baby. I know it is but you can't do this. You're doing so good. You can't do this."

She copied him, her hands drifting to his face. Tears streamed her face. "You don't understand, Roger! There's too much going on. I just need one hit. Just one. I can't deal with all this. I can't—"

He let go of her and stepped back. "You choose right now: me or the drugs."

Mimi hesitated, staring at the ground. "Please, Roger…"

He threw the baggie at her. "Fine."

_I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel_

_I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor_

_Illusion never changed into something real_

_I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn_

_You're a little late, I'm already torn_


	16. God Blessed the Broken Road

**Rating:** R

**Warnings:** Adult language, drug use, implied sexual activity

**Song Featured:** "God Blessed the Broken Road" as performed by Rascal Flatts

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "God Blessed the Broken Road" is the sole property of its writers.

When I was seventeen, I graduated and left home. The plan was simple: join a band, play some local gigs, get a record deal. That was all step one. Then I'd find a girl, get married, go on tour, retire to a mansion and live out my days with my girl. Guess you could say I was a bit idealistic, a bit naïve, a bit innocent.

_I set out on a narrow road many years ago_

The band and gigs came easy enough. Then there was a detour. Drugs. It never crossed my mind to say no. I mean, I knew drugs were stupid. This was different though. This was shit that made me feel good. Something bad for you wouldn't feel so good, right? That and my friends were giving it to me. I'm not saying it was peer pressure—that's a copout. I'm saying I always figured friends looked out for each other. My friends wouldn't let me hurt myself, right?

I was already an addict by the time I met Mark. Not quite a deadbeat junkie, but not far from it. Mark's the one who introduced me to April. She was in some classes with him at NYU. Beautiful redhead. For a while, I straightened my ass out. I didn't want to screw things up with her. Then I found out she was using. Using harder shit than me. Mark had no idea. I think he blames himself for me going back to drugs and everything with April, but I made my own choices. I'm a big boy.

_Hoping I would find true love along the broken road_

April really was my first love. When she died, part of me did too. At least, that's how I felt. For a while, the drugs got worse after she killed herself. If it wasn't for my friends, I probably—no, definitely—would've followed her. Collins had to leave for M.I.T. before I quit, but he spent many nights on the phone with me just so I could talk or listen, whichever I needed.

Mark was awesome, better than a mother. He held my head while I puked, held my arms when I tried to fight, spent every waking moment taking care of me. And not once did he treat me like an invalid or like the worthless piece of shit I felt like.

Maureen and Mark had just gotten together then. I was terrified that she'd leave him because of me, because I was too fucked up and taking up too much of his time. She didn't. She stroked my hair till I fell asleep, piled blankets on me when I shivered, and made sure Mark and I ate and slept.

Then when I met Mimi, it's like something in me came back to life. She was this spitfire. She challenged me. We fought like crazy but we also loved like crazy. Mimi had more passion in her than I thought possible. She was sweet but she'd kick your ass if you got out of line. Of course, she wasn't perfect. A big part of why we fought was the drugs. She wouldn't quit. Couple of times I tried to get her to, but she always went back to them. Being completely honest, I nearly went back to the drugs when I found out that Mimi used. I mean, free stash and I could shoot up with her so no one would know. I didn't. But I wanted to. I didn't because I knew how disappointed they'd be.

_But I got lost a time or two_

_Wiped my brow and kept pushing through_

_I couldn't see how every sign pointed me straight to you_

After Mimi died, it was like when April died all over again. The same crying. The same aching. The same emptiness. The same pointlessness to everything. Mark thought I was dwelling too much, being selfish because they were in mourning too. Collins and Mark grew closer. I think Collins has always understood Mark a bit better than I have. Benny, of course, wasn't there. He all but accused me of killing her at the funeral. I know he loved her too. At least he still had Allison. I was alone. Except for Maureen.

Maureen and Joanne broke up for good after Mimi's funeral. Joanne accepted a job offer from a firm in D.C. Not too far away, but she and Maureen decided to call it quits on a good note rather than try the long distance thing. Nobody blamed Joanne when she stopped calling. What was there to say? Collins's T-cells were dropping, Mark was depressed, and Maureen was trying to hold us all together.

_Every long lost dream led me to where you are  
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars  
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms  
_

Looking back, it seems so obvious. She was always there for me. When Mark, who I'll be the first to tell you should be named a saint, lost patience with me or thought I would go back to my old ways, Maureen never doubted me. She's seen me at my best and my worst. Seen my highs and lows, literally. I've never been good at the whole relationship thing. Sounds funny, I know, since I loved April and Mimi so much. But it's true. With April, it was always sex, drugs, rock and roll. We didn't just hang out or talk. Mimi was a little different. Always love or war, sex or fighting, lots of talking but those talks usually ended in fights.

Maureen was different. Maureen could just sit with me, without either of us saying anything. She'd hold my hand while we walked down the street. We didn't have to fight every time we talked. Neither of us used drugs. She's always been a mystery to me. She's sexy but doesn't know it. She's aggressive but not pushy. She challenges me but she doesn't make everything a battle.

_This much I know is true  
That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you  
_

I can't believe now that it took me so long to realize it. When I was seventeen, I left home. When I was nineteen, I fell in love for the first time. When I was twenty-four, I fell in love for the second time. It wasn't until I was twenty-seven that I realized that my love, my real love, my all-encompassing-earth-shattering-sing-to-the-heavens love was right in front of me. Right where she'd been all along.

_I think about the years I spent just passing through  
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you  
_

I told Mark first. If I was going to tell Maureen how I felt, I needed his blessing. I'm big on loyalty. My buddy's ex was off-limits until he said otherwise. So I told him that I loved her. All he said was "It's about damn time you figure that out."

I told Maureen. I told her how much I loved her and that part of me always had. I loved April and Mimi but this was above and beyond anything I'd ever felt. She was more than my friend or my crush. She's my love, my heart, my spirit, my music, my soul. I told her how sorry I am that it took me so long to figure it out. She just smiled and said "better late than never."

_But you just smile and take my hand  
You've been there you understand  
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true  
_

When I first went to Life Support, they said "Forget regret." I figured that was a bunch of bullshit they told themselves to be able to cope. Then I realized they were right. Every mistake I've made, every fucked up thing I've done has led me here. Every needle, every hit, every tear, every heartache, every breath. It's all led me here. The band led me to drugs. But also to Mark. Mark led me to April. April led me to Mimi. Mimi led me to Maureen.

When they first found a cure for the HIV-virus, Maureen and I didn't talk about it. She didn't bring it up and I was afraid to. I was terrified that it wouldn't work. I didn't want to be let down. So I talked to Mark and we saved up some money together, he and I, and I got the treatment. Figured the worst that would happen is that it wouldn't work. That thought terrified me but I thought at least I'd be able to tell Maureen I tried. I didn't tell her I was getting treated until after the treatment was complete. Mark and I told her I was visiting my mom for a few weeks. I still don't think she bought it, but she didn't say anything. Then my first results came back. Negative.

_Every long lost dream led me to where you are  
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars  
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms  
_

The day after I came home from the hospital—Mom's as we told Maureen—Mark and I went shopping. I sold my guitar and took the cash to the jewelry store. I called and told Maureen I wanted us to have dinner together at the Life that night with Mark. She met us there. I handed her the folded up test results and waited for her to read them before explaining. Then I proposed.

_This much I know is true  
That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you  
_

So here we are, my thirtieth birthday. One I never thought I'd see. For the first time in a long time, I am truly and completely happy. I have my friends, I have my wife, and I have our baby on the way. I never thought I'd be here. There's so much I want to say but I am speechless. I look around this room and I feel so much love and so much peace. After everything we've all gone through, everything Maureen and I have gone through, to be standing here with all of you is beyond words.

_Now I'm just rolling home  
Into my lover's arms  
_

I said I wanted to make a quick toast, so I guess I should wrap this up. I'd like to ask everyone to raise a glass not to me, but to everyone who's made me who I am today.

To April, my first innocent love.

To Mimi, my passionate, tempestuous love.

To Angel, guardian and friend.

To Collins, my friend, my mentor, my brother from another mother.

To Mark, my best friend and partner in crime.

To Benny, recovering yuppie scum and friend.

To Joanne, friend and advisor.

To my Maureen, my everything, my girl.

Cheers.

_This much I know is true  
That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you  
_

The small group echoed "cheers!" and clinked glasses. I sat down again with Maureen and rested a hand on her belly as I leaned over to kiss her. "I love you."

She wiped away tears. "I love you too, baby."

_That God blessed the broken road_

_That led me straight to you_


	17. Touch My Soul

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** Mentions of sexual activity

**Song Featured:** "Touch My Soul" from the musical _Bare: A Pop Opera_

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "Touch My Soul" is the sole property of its writers.

"What's your longest relationship?" Mark asked. Maureen lay sprawled on the couch, her head in his lap.

"What?" Maureen asked, looking up at him.

"Longest relationship."

Maureen bit her lip. "Um…not-not long."

"Not long like a couple months or not long like a couple weeks?"

"Month and a half."

_The things I have don't last for long_

_Boys have come and boys have gone, I've grown accustomed_

Maureen smiled when Mark came in. "Flowers?"

He nodded. "Guy on the corner was selling 'em. Thought it'd be a nice surprise."

Maureen crossed the loft and kissed him. "You got me flowers just because?"

Mark blushed and shrugged. "Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today."

_I never really cared too much, don't get attached_

_Because I know them and what they're after_

"Look, I should tell you, Maureen's not so good at the monogamy thing," Roger said.

Maureen froze, not opening the door.

"Roger, I appreciate you looking out for me but I trust my girlfriend."

"Mark, listen to me. I've known Maureen for a hell of a long time. I love her like a sister. But that being said…she's been around the block a few times. Haven't you wondered why her longest relationship was a month and a half?"

Maureen cringed at her friend's words.

_I let them in, we make some noise_

_They let themselves out, that's their choice_

_Boys will be boys_

She sank to the ground, her arms pulling her knees to her chest. It was like high school all over again. Sure, she'd had sex. And yeah, she'd had sex with a few people more than a good girl probably should.

Maureen didn't do it just for the sake of sex. She never thought they'd leave. Each guy she dated she'd thought would stay around. The only reason her relationship with Jack had lasted that month and a half is because that's how long it took until she slept with him. He was gone in the morning.

_The phone won't ring and I become some anecdote_

_And though I've had my fun, it gets lonely_

Mark wasn't like the other guys. They hadn't slept together and Mark didn't seem bothered. He opened the door and saw her sitting on the ground. Kneeling in front of her, Mark pulled her into his arms.

"I love you, Maureen. Not what Roger says about you," he whispered.

Maureen smiled when his lips touched hers.

_But then came your kiss_

_And all I was missing was there in your eyes, your lonely blue eyes_

Mark helped her to her feet and guided her back into the loft. Roger winced when he realized she'd heard him.

"Maureen, I—"

"Not now," she said.

Mark sat down with her on the couch as Roger disappeared into his bedroom. Mark kissed her again. She sighed when he moved and kissed each tear on her cheeks.

"Mark?"

"Yeah?" he asked, pulling away.

"Are you, um…if this goes any further…I just, um…"

Mark brushed a curl away from her face. "Baby, whatever it is, just ask me."

"Before this goes any further, just tell me the truth. Are you going to leave?"

Mark shook his head. "Not unless you want me to."

Maureen shook her head. "Please don't go."

His arms wrapped around her as her head fell to his shoulder.

_So please say you'll stay, say you'll never go away_

_My discarded heart has finally found a home_

_I know it's love, you touch my soul_

Maureen sat on the window seat staring at the raindrops sliding down the windowpane. She couldn't help but think of what Roger had said. He'd been her best friend for years. Is that really what he thought of her? That she was just some stupid slut? Maureen blinked back tears. If Roger thought it, maybe it was true.

Mark opened the door to the loft. "Maureen, I'm home."

Maureen felt lighter as she drifted over to him. She couldn't remember why she'd been so sad before. Mark always seemed to make her feel better, whether he knew it or not, meant it or not.

_When I see you, I catch my breath_

_Forget my sorrow_

Mark kissed her. "I'll be home in a couple of days."

"I don't know why you have to go though. You don't even like her," Maureen said.

"I know, baby, but she's still my sister and if I miss her kid's birthday, I'll have the wrath of my mother and my sister which will not be fun, to say the least," he said, kissing her again.

"I know…Just hurry back, okay?"

Mark kissed her a third time. "You know I will."

_And I miss you before you've left_

_You are tomorrow_

"What if I can't do it though?" she asked, genuinely curious.

"You can."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I believe in you," Mark said. He wrapped his arms around her waist, his chest against her back. "This is what you've wanted…"

"I know, I just…Nobody else ever thought I could do it. Including Roger. And so I just kind of figured it would stay some stupid pipe dream."

_Here in your hands, I find a chance to make it through_

_To be somebody…stay with me_

"I love you," she said.

Mark stared at her.

"What? Don't you believe me?"

"Maureen, I've been saying 'I love you' for four months. Forgive me if I'm a little suspicious that you all of a sudden feel the need to reciprocate."

She rolled her eyes and joined him on the sofa. "This is not about reciprocation. I just…I have a hard time saying that stuff, Pookie."

"And yet you have no trouble with the embarrassing, god-awful pet names," he teased.

Maureen leaned her head on his shoulder and slipped her hand into his. "I'm serious. I'm not just reciprocating. I love you."

_I need your kiss_

'_Cause all I was missing was there in your eyes, your lonely blue eyes_

Maureen dragged him along the city sidewalks. "Come on, Pookie!"

"What are we rushing for?"

They reached the skating rink and found it empty. Mark looked around curiously.

"Maureen, it's the middle of the night. Why the hell are we at an ice-skating rink?"

"Because I want to show you something. Come here," she said, holding a hand out to him.

_So please take my hand_

_Let me help you understand_

Ten minutes of playful banter later, Mark lay on the ice beside Maureen.

"You're insane. You know that, right?"

She giggled. "Yeah but you love me."

Mark sighed with content. "That I do."

"Show me a constellation."

"What?"

"In the stars. Show me a constellation. I don't know any."

"Um…" Mark squinted and finally pointed. "Okay, you see that really bright one?"

"Yeah?"

"That's the North Star."

"And?"

Mark laughed. "And I don't know any constellations either. That's the extent of my astronomical intelligence."

Maureen sighed. "Make one up."

"Make one up?"

"There's billions of 'em. Pick some that look like something and point it out to me."

Mark stared up at the sky in silence. For a minute, Maureen wondered if he was actually studying the sky or just humoring her until she gave in. He nudged her and pointed up. "Okay, if you start at the North Star and then trace it up to that one there, see?"

"Yeah?"

"Okay, now go down to that one, back up to that one and down to that one there."

"It's an M!"

"For my Maureen."

"And my Mark."

_Two searching hearts can rest and be made whole_

_I know it's love, please let me touch your soul_

Mark opened the door to the loft and led Maureen to the bedroom, both of them shivering. "I think next time we should bring a blanket," he said.

Maureen nodded. "Thanks for doing that with me."

Mark hugged her, kissing her forehead. "You're welcome. But really, I should be thanking you. That was fun. And certainly not something I would've done with anyone else ever."

She laughed and leaned up to kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you too."

_Please let me touch your soul_


	18. She Will Be Loved

**Rating:** strong PG-13

**Warnings:** Language, mentions of drug use, character death

**Song Featured:** "She Will Be Loved" as performed by Maroon 5

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "She Will Be Loved" is the sole property of its writer(s).

* * *

"Hi, I'm Mimi and I'll be your waitress."

Allison looked up from the menu. "I'll have an iced tea to start. Benjamin?"

"Um, I'll have a coffee."

"All right. Would you like another moment to look over the menus?"

"That'd be lovely, dear," Allison said.

Mimi smiled politely and went back to the kitchen to get the drinks.

"Do we know her?" Benny asked.

"Who?"

"The waitress."

"Of course not," she laughed. "Why would we ever be friends with a waitress?"

"She was a finalist at the Miss Teen New York."

"Pardon?"

"Your father volunteered me to judge for it, remember?"

"Oh of course, I nearly forgot. She must not have been very impressive."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well she didn't win."

"She didn't need to," he mumbled.

Benny watched, fascinated, as she walked about the country club, smiling and chatting easily with customers.

_Beauty queen of only eighteen_

_She had some trouble with herself  
He was always there to help her_

_She always belonged to someone else_

Benny knocked on the door, still hesitant. His wedding ring sat in the glove compartment of the car downstairs. His hand felt blissfully light.

Mimi opened the door. She smiled when she saw him. "Ben! What are you doing here?"

"Just, uh, in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by."

She stepped aside. "Well, come in, come in."

"I haven't seen you around the club lately."

Mimi shook her head slightly. "Oh no…I don't work there anymore."

Benny wanted to question her further but sensed her hesitation and let the subject drop.

"You want something to drink?" she asked.

"N-no…"

"You sure?"

"Look, I came by because I do want something."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"You," he said.

Mimi's smile faded. "I don't do the casual sex thing, Ben."

"No, no, I didn't mean like that. I just…you're driving me crazy…in a good way. I can't stop thinking about you, dreaming about you…I don't just want sex. I want all of you."

_I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door  
I've had you so many times but somehow, I want more  
_

He stood on the corner, staring at the building. The Cat Scratch Club. Mimi, his Mimi, was working at one of the sleaziest places Benny had ever seen. The rain streamed steadily down but he didn't care. He had to see her. He had to apologize.

She'd found out about Allison after only a couple of months. The affair promptly ended when she found his wedding ring. Mimi refused to be with a married man, no matter how unhappily married. He had to make her understand though. Benny wasn't sure what he'd say or do, but he had to make her understand that he loved her, not Allison. Allison had his name; Mimi had his everything.

At last he saw her come out. Even from across the rainy street, he knew it was her. She crossed to his side of the street and headed for the alleyway. Benny followed, fully intending to call out to her. He froze when he saw her with the man. At first he feared the man was a new boyfriend. Benny realized it was worse than that when he saw her slip him a wad of bills and take a small bag. The man wasn't a boyfriend. He was her dealer.

_I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
And she will be loved, she will be loved  
_

"Mimi!"

Benny was shocked, but pleasantly surprised, to find Mimi knocking on his door. She grinned at him.

"She home?"

"Who?"

"Your wife."

Benny shook his head, grateful that Allison was spending the afternoon shopping. He knew she wouldn't be home for several hours.

Mimi stepped into the penthouse and looked at him. "Look, I'm pissed that you lied but I think I understand."

"You do?"

She nodded. "You don't want to be lonely."

She was right. They both knew she was right. Allison didn't show any sort of love or affection towards Benny. Many nights he'd lie awake in bed wondering why the hell she'd married him.

Mimi stepped closer to Benny and he saw a sadness in her eyes that hadn't been there before. "I don't want to be lonely either."

_Tap on my window, knock on my door  
I want to make you feel beautiful _

_I know I tend to get so insecure, it doesn't matter anymore  
_

"Benny, come on! It's thirty fucking degrees out! How are we supposed to survive?"

"Should've thought of that before you started blowin' your rent money on smack."

Mimi looked like he'd hit her, but ignored the remark. "Fine. What about Mark and Roger? They're spending every dime they have on food and Roger's AZT. You know that."

"Yeah and I know that if they got off their asses and got jobs, they'd be a hell of a lot better off."

"You said they wouldn't have to pay rent."

"Things change."

Mimi glared at him. "You arrogant bastard."

"What? You think that just because you're fuckin' Roger, I'm gonna cut him some slack?"

"No, I thought that you were a decent guy who'd cut him some slack because you used to be friends."

"I used to be something to you too."

"That was three months ago, Ben. I told you, it's over."

"Maybe if it wasn't, Roger wouldn't be in this position."

"What?"

"You heard me…Maybe you and I could come to some…arrangement."

"You son of a bitch!"

"Mimi, I love you. I still love you. It would just be one time and then everything will go back to—"

She kicked him before he could finish the sentence. "I'm not your whore. Stay the hell away from me."

_It's not always rainbows and butterflies_

_Iit's compromise that moves us along, yeah  
My heart is full and my door's always open, you can come anytime you want_

"So how are they all doing?"

"They all or Mimi and Roger?" Collins asked.

Benny shrugged, blushing slightly. "Both?"

"Mark's good. Maureen and Joanne are still at each other's throats, but they're good. Roger's doing good…Mimi, though….her addiction's back, Ben. She relapsed."

He sucked in a breath. "Roger helping her?"

Collins shook his head. "That boy's trying to deal with way too much to be dealing with her shit too. Especially when she says she doesn't want help. Says that she's got in under control."

"Collins, you and I both know that's bullshit."

"Yeah and we also both know that we can't help Mimi unless she wants us to."

_I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
And she will be loved_

_And she will be loved_

Benny went to the park and found her after only a brief search.

"How'd you know I'd be here?"

"Because you told me this is where you hide out."

She didn't move so Benny sat down on the bench beside her. "You wanna talk?"

"She's…she's gone."

Angel had died that morning. He wondered why she wasn't with Roger and the rest of them but didn't ask. "I'm sorry, baby."

"She's gone and Roger and I are done and I just…I don't know what to do…"

Benny dared to slip an arm around her and hugged her gently as her tears began to fall.

_I know where you hide alone in your car  
Know all of the things that make you who you are  
_

Mimi stared down the stairwell at Roger's fading form. "Goodbye, Love. Goodbye, Love. Came to say goodbye, Love. Goodbye…Just came to say goodbye, Love! Goodbye, Love! Goodbye, Love…"

Benny felt his heart breaking with each tear that slid down her cheek. Each tear that was shed for Roger, each tear that had never fallen for him. She was saying goodbye, but he and Mark both knew Roger would be back. It wasn't in his blood to just walk out and never come back. He would come back, hopefully sooner rather than later, and Mimi would be his again. His only comfort lay in knowing that she might lean on him a little in Roger's absence.

_I know that goodbye means nothing at all  
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls  
_

"Benny? Benny, are you awake?"

He'd slept at the loft, on the couch. He jolted awake and saw Mimi's silhouette in the moonlight. "Mimi?"

She held a hand up to her lips. "I didn't want to knock and wake up Mark so I used the fire escape."

Benny nodded and sat up, patting the cushion beside him. Mimi sat and put her head on his shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked in a whisper.

"Just don't want to be alone…"

He lay back down and held her in his arms as she cried herself to sleep. He was still wide awake when the sun streamed into the loft.

_Tap on my window, knock on my door _

_I want to make you feel beautiful  
_

Benny walked the streets of Alphabet City, the stack of fliers tucked in his jacket. The rain beat down on the city but he continued on. He stopped at every mailbox, every pole, and hung up a flier. It had been three weeks since she'd left rehab. No one had seen her. Not her dealer, not her friends or coworkers…not even Roger, who had come back, just as Benny predicted.

_I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
_

He stood in the loft, watching Roger pour out his love to Mimi. She passed out and for one horrific moment, he thought she'd died. When she regained consciousness and began recounting what she'd seen, Benny felt himself pulling back from the scene. He saw a love in her eyes he'd never seen before, not even before she'd learned of Allison.

Benny retreated towards the door when he saw that that love was directed at Roger. The only thing that hurt him more was knowing that Roger deserved that love, that Roger had earned it and loved her just as much.

_And she will be loved, and she will be loved  
And she will be loved, and she will be loved  
_

Mimi hung on long enough to celebrate another New Year's Eve with Roger. They all spent the night at the hospital. Benny was surprised to find himself invited. Roger seemed to be making a genuine effort in bringing Benny back into their group. He wasn't sure why but he appreciated it.

"Ben? Mimi wants to see you," Roger said. His voice was tired, beaten.

Benny went into Mimi's room and smiled faintly. "Hi, Meems."

"Hey you…Come over here…"

Her voice was hardly more than a whisper. Benny crossed the room to the bed and sat in the chair beside it.

"Don't…be sad…" she stopped, coughing. Benny waited for her to catch her breath and held the cup of water for her to take a drink. "Thanks…Have to say…goodbye…"

Benny shook his head.

"Yeah, Ben…I have to say goodbye…Don't…push them…away…"

"Mimi…"

"I don't…regret…anything…"

_Please don't try so hard to say goodbye  
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye_

It rained the day of the funeral. Benny stood in the cemetery hardly feeling the rain soaking them all. Roger stood a few feet away, silent sobs choking him. Collins wasn't fairing much better. Mark did his best to comfort Collins while Maureen held Roger's hand in a tight grip and Joanne rubbed his back soothingly.

_Yeah, I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
_

Benny stood back from the group, too stunned to cry. He didn't realize the funeral was over until everyone had drifted away. A hand tapped his shoulder. He turned and was embraced by Roger. The two stood in the rain, crying for the woman they both loved.

_Try so hard to say goodbye_


	19. What Was I Thinkin'

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** Mild language, speeding, mild bar fight

**Song Featured:** "What Was I Thinkin'" as performed by Dierks Bentley

**Disclaimer:** RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "What Was I Thinkin'" is the sole property of its writers.

**Note: **This is a high school RENT so there's no Mimi, April, HIV, etc.

* * *

"Whoa, check out the new girl…" Benny sighed, leaning against the lockers.

"Huh?"

Roger turned and saw her for the first time. Long golden-brown hair cascading to her shoulders, sparkling green eyes, and a beautiful smile. Roger stared a minute before deciding to make his move.

"I'm gonna ask her out."

Mark's hand on his chest stopped him. "Rog, don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why?"

"Because…from what I hear, her dad's more protective than anyone I've ever seen, including my mother."

Roger rolled his eyes. "No one is more protective than your mother."

_Well, Becky was a beauty from south Alabama.  
Her Daddy had a heart like a nine pound hammer.  
Think he even did a little time in the slammer, what was I thinkin'? _

The next week, Roger had a date. The mysterious new girl, he'd learned, was Becky Hamilton. She'd just moved to New York from Alabama. As Roger drove down the road outside of Scarsdale, he hoped she'd given good directions.

A few minutes later, his newly washed blue pickup slowed to a stop at the end of a long driveway. Becky ran down the length of it and hopped into the car. Roger saw a balding man in a white tanktop and blue jeans waving what appeared to be a rifle. Becky scrambled to buckle the seatbelt as she commanded Roger to drive. He nearly screamed when he heard bullets ricocheting off the tailgate.

_She snuck out one night an' met me by the front gate,  
Her Daddy came out a-wavin' that twelve gauge  
We tore out the drive, he peppered my tailgate--what was I thinkin'? _

"What the hell was that about?"

"Oh that's just Daddy."

"That was your dad?"

Roger debated turning around. Becky looked at him, wide-eyed and pouting. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you how he gets, sugah, but I was afraid you'd back out on this."

Her hand covered his on the shifter.

"And I didn't want you breakin' our date."

_Oh, I knew there'd be hell to pay, but that crossed my mind a little too late. _

_'Cause I was thinkin' 'bout a little white tank top sittin' right there in the middle by me.  
An' I was thinkin' 'bout a long kiss,  
Man, just gotta get goin', where the night might lead.  
I know what I was feelin', but what was I thinkin'? What was I thinkin'? _

Roger frowned when he saw the sirens.

"Darn it!" Becky said. "Keep goin'!"

"Wha—Becky, I think they're trying to pull us over."

"Course they are. Daddy told 'em I ran away or that you took me or somethin'."

"That you what? Or I what?" he asked, glancing sideways at her.

Becky giggled and patted his leg. "Don't worry, honey. My daddy ain't so bad…"

"He's got the cops chasing us!"

"He's just tryin' to spoil my fun. But if you keep goin'…maybe we could have a whole lot more fun…"

Roger said a silent prayer and spun the wheel, jerking the car off the road.

_By the county line, the cops were nippin' on our heels,  
Pulled off the road an' kicked it in four-wheel.  
Shut off the lights an' tore through a cornfield--what was I thinkin'? _

They crossed the field a few minutes later, Roger's truck only a little worse for wear. Becky was giggling still beside him. Roger loved that giggle and decided he didn't give a damn what it cost him to hear that giggle. She turned the radio on and began blasting it.

"Let's go to dancin'!" she yelled over the music.

"I, um…I don't have…"

She shook her head. "I know a place that doesn't card!"

Roger nodded and slammed on the gas, following her instructions.

_At the other side, she was hollerin': "Faster," took a dirt road, had the radio blastin'.  
Hit the honky-tonk for a little close dancin'--what was I thinkin'? _

_Oh, I knew there'd be hell to pay, but that crossed my mind a little too late. _

Roger felt only a moment's doubt when they pulled up outside the bar. Becky assured him they didn't card. Besides, she said, she'd make it worth his while. As she said the last part, she leaned over and kissed his cheek.

He felt any resistance he had completely wear away. The hell with responsibility and legality. Tonight was about fun. Specifically, about whatever made Becky happy, whatever she considered fun.

_'Cause I was thinkin' 'bout a little white tank top, sittin' right there in the middle by me.  
An' I was thinkin' 'bout a long kiss,  
Man, just gotta get goin', where the night might lead.  
I know what I was feelin', but what was I thinkin'? What was I thinkin'? _

They danced across the dance floor, ignoring the leers of the men wanting to have their chance with Becky. Roger felt a smug satisfaction at the knowledge that she was staring at him and only him.

"Mind if I cut in?" a deep voice asked.

"I'm with him, sugah."

"Just one dance."

"She said no, buddy."

The biker glared at Roger and grabbed Becky's wrist. Roger acted quickly, slamming his fist into the biker's face. He felt something sharp hit his hand. Something that felt a lot like teeth. Roger saw the blood covering the man's mouth and grabbed Becky's hand.

"Let's get out of here!"

They ran from the bar and back to Roger's truck.

_When a mountain of a man with a "Born To Kill" tattoo_

_Tried to cut in, I knocked out his front tooth.  
We ran outside, hood slidin' like Bo Duke--what was I thinkin'? _

Roger slowed to a stop in front of Becky's house. He couldn't believe how exciting the night had been, how spontaneous and adventurous. He hoped she felt the same.

"Can you believe it's half past two?" she asked.

"What?"

Roger glanced at his watch. "So it is…"

He'd missed curfew by a couple of hours. Somehow he didn't care.

Just as he leaned forward to kiss Becky goodnight, he heard a shout.

_I finally got her home at a half past two_

_Her daddy's in a lawn chair sittin' on the driveway  
Put it in park as he started my way.  
_

"Boy! You better get your ass the hell out of here! Becky Sue, get your behind into that house this instant!"

Her father was racing towards them. Roger hadn't noticed him waiting on the porch. He looked to Becky.

"What are you waitin' for, sugah? Go!"

Roger shook his head, laughing, but did as she said.

_What was I thinkin'? Oh, what was I thinkin'? Oh, what was I thinkin'? _

_Then she gave a "Come an' get me grin" an' like a bullet, we were gone again. _

The sun was poking up over the horizon when Becky decided it was time to call it a night. Roger drove her home, grateful that her father seemed to have fallen asleep somewhere. Becky turned towards him.

"Thanks for such a lovely evenin', Roger," she said sweetly.

"You're welcome, but I think I should be thanking you. This has to be the most fun I've ever had on a date."

"Same here."

With that, she leaned over and kissed him softly. "I'll see you at school, sugah."

_'Cause I was thinkin' 'bout a little white tank top sittin' right there in the middle by me.  
An' I was thinkin' 'bout a long kiss,  
Man, just gotta get goin' where the night might lead.  
I know what I was feelin', but what was I thinkin'? What was I thinkin'? _

"Are you out of your mind?" Mark asked, laughing as Roger finished recounting the date.

"She's so amazing, Mark! I think I'm gonna ask her out again."

Collins rolled his eyes. "You never learn, do you?"

Becky passed their table and blew Roger a kiss, winking as she did. Roger blushed and gave a faint wave.

"Think that question just answered itself," Benny said.

"Huh?" Roger asked, the reverie broken.

"Nothing."

"Think her dad's going to let you guys go out?" Mark asked, changing the subject.

Roger shrugged. "Don't know. Somehow I don't think she cares."

_I know what I was feelin', but what was I thinkin'?_


End file.
